I'm CRAAAAAAANky
This week started out fine and then took a downturn on Wednesday.
I feel completely deflated, dejected, demoralized, and any other "de" word you can think of. Except for maybe delicious. I don't feel delicious.
Mostly, I just wanted to scream, "I'm TRYING, but does anyone care about ME?"
In all honesty, PMS may have been a major player. (And getting major-er as the years go by, I might add. What is with that?)
I wonder, though, because it is just my nature to get into a funk. This is the funk where you feel like everything you have ever learned needs to be unlearned, and you have to learn something new in its place. Everything.
And every improvement you try to make is met with R-E-J-E-C-T-I-O-N. Take, for example, my attempts to get up early this week. I know that I need my time in the Word. And I am at the point where I can't stand all my stupid excuses any more. And I know that getting up before the kids to get my day started with God ALWAYS makes things go more smoothly.
So, I set my alarm for 7 am. Not that early, but earlier than Bethany, who is my earliest riser. I figured 7 was a good time because she never gets up before 7:30. On the first day that I got up, I didn't hear Bethany cry until I was on the very last verse of my reading. But it was still "too early." When I went to get her, she had a pretty bad nose bleed, and I was off and running.
That was the last time I was able to read before the kids got up. Bethany woke up at 6:40 the next morning. She sorta went back to sleep... in my bed... but it was the kind of sleep that was more like "I am ready to get up so if you move, I'm coming with you."
And the next day she was in bed with me because she would not go back to sleep in the middle of the night and I was too tired to deal with it. So, when the alarm went off, she stirred and was back in the "awake enough" mode of the day before. I tried getting out of the bed by moving my body one centimeter at a time, but the kid isn't stupid, and she was not going to let me walk out without her.
This is just one example. I feel like I try. Then I feel like, why do I try?
I'm tired of my lame attempts at living the Christian life. I am tired of my short temper. I am tired of my selfish attitude. I am tired of my poor housekeeping. I am tired of my impatient parenting.
I know all those things need to change. And I want them too. But I just can't seem to make any headway. And I think I am tired of that most of all.
I feel completely deflated, dejected, demoralized, and any other "de" word you can think of. Except for maybe delicious. I don't feel delicious.
Mostly, I just wanted to scream, "I'm TRYING, but does anyone care about ME?"
In all honesty, PMS may have been a major player. (And getting major-er as the years go by, I might add. What is with that?)
I wonder, though, because it is just my nature to get into a funk. This is the funk where you feel like everything you have ever learned needs to be unlearned, and you have to learn something new in its place. Everything.
And every improvement you try to make is met with R-E-J-E-C-T-I-O-N. Take, for example, my attempts to get up early this week. I know that I need my time in the Word. And I am at the point where I can't stand all my stupid excuses any more. And I know that getting up before the kids to get my day started with God ALWAYS makes things go more smoothly.
So, I set my alarm for 7 am. Not that early, but earlier than Bethany, who is my earliest riser. I figured 7 was a good time because she never gets up before 7:30. On the first day that I got up, I didn't hear Bethany cry until I was on the very last verse of my reading. But it was still "too early." When I went to get her, she had a pretty bad nose bleed, and I was off and running.
That was the last time I was able to read before the kids got up. Bethany woke up at 6:40 the next morning. She sorta went back to sleep... in my bed... but it was the kind of sleep that was more like "I am ready to get up so if you move, I'm coming with you."
And the next day she was in bed with me because she would not go back to sleep in the middle of the night and I was too tired to deal with it. So, when the alarm went off, she stirred and was back in the "awake enough" mode of the day before. I tried getting out of the bed by moving my body one centimeter at a time, but the kid isn't stupid, and she was not going to let me walk out without her.
This is just one example. I feel like I try. Then I feel like, why do I try?
I'm tired of my lame attempts at living the Christian life. I am tired of my short temper. I am tired of my selfish attitude. I am tired of my poor housekeeping. I am tired of my impatient parenting.
I know all those things need to change. And I want them too. But I just can't seem to make any headway. And I think I am tired of that most of all.
Labels: Faith, Keepin' it Real, Muddlehood
posted by 
at 9:55 PM
4 Comments:
Oh man, have I felt like that!
I don't know if you saw this but it's a great post on quiet times.
http://www.biblicalwomanhood.com/2007/04/input-requested-moms-and.html
(When are you going to learn to hyperlink in the comment section, Jeana? When?)
When I read that, I wished someone had said something like that to me when my kids were younger. I always felt guilty for not having a "real" 30-60 minute quiet time, uninterrupted, every day. Ridiculous, feeling guilty over something that was not always in my power. Anyway, hope it helps.
I like that link Jeana! We all need that reminder every now and again.
Lori, I think we all go through these phases in one way or another. I go through phases very, very, VERY similar to yours. But go back and look at your last post, I think it's applicable here as well.
You feel defeated because you aren't living up to a certain standard that you have set for yourself. But God isn't interested in your standards or perfection, he only cares about your heart.
What you see as defeat, he sees as a heart that longs to please him, and take care of your family. What you see as a failure to hold your temper or be patient, he sees as a desire to grow. Girl, don't forget we're living under grace ... give yourself some!!!
There will be a day when life will slow down and you will be able to have a better handle on things. That day is not today and that's ok.
Much love!
ad
You have a very wise friend in Addie, and a kind one in Jeana. I don't know what I can add to their lovely words, other than to say that I TOTALLY identify. You'll get an extra prayer or two from me over the next little while. xoxox
I'm pretty sure you could have written that post just for me. At church last night I just kept thinking, if I would just get up at 6:15, I could get my QT in, and showered before the kids get up. But then the alarm goes off and I just look at it. Not willing to budge. I'm just tired. Usually someone has been up in the middle of the night so I think "I'll do it at school." But then I'm too late in the door of my portable for that.
I'm gonna go read Jeana's post. And this may sound weird, but the crappy weather lately has had a profound affect on my mood. I just haven't had the get up and get it done energy lately. I miss the sun. Well, now that I think about it, maybe I miss the Son.
Praying for you! I'd give you one of those crazy internet hugs, but I think it would seem a bit out of character for me. =)
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