On Blessings

You have all shared some great thoughts in answer to my question about blessings. I've been thinking about it quite a bit. For a long time, actually.

I began thinking about it back when I was regularly posting to my blessings blog. If you don't know what that was, it was simply a place where I recorded my blessings (almost) daily with the goal of recording 3600 for the year.

As time went on, I realized that many of my blessings were very superficial things. Individual food items made the list more times than I care to count. Stuff that made me happy. Stuff that "worked out" for me. But even as I typed some of those things into the post, I wondered if they were really blessings at all.

Was that brownie really a blessing because I enjoyed it so much? What if I was already full when I ate it? Does enjoying something automatically qualify it as a blessing? In truth, wasn't I taking advantage of the abundance of food God has placed around me? Wasn't it really just self-indulgence?

When Paul and I were buying our first computer, we both spent some time praying first and, individually, we came up with the same amount of money that we were willing to spend. We shopped around once or twice, but we didn't find anything in that price range that met our needs. So we bought a more expensive computer.

I could have walked around and told everybody what a blessing my computer was because now I could e-mail my family and I could shop for deals online. But God, if I dare say so, might just have raised his eyebrow at me and said, "Blessing? I didn't give you that computer. You took it for yourself!"

Paul and I spent some time in prayer after that decision. And it began with our confession that we did not exercise faith when we made the purchase. It wasn't a blessing. It was our greed.

We are blessed, no doubt, to own a computer. But that is not my point.

What I am really mulling over is the lifestyle that we live. By "we" I mean my family, but I think this applies generally to Christians living in this culture.

I wonder how much we have fallen prey to the "I need stuff" mentality without even realizing it. We often refer to material things as blessings, because, I think, we want to express how grateful we are for owning them. We call ourselves "blessed" when we look at our house and our car and when we consider our ability to go to Starbuck's anytime we want, or buy the latest DVD.

And I'm not saying those things aren't blessings... if God really GAVE them to us. But how often do we let God choose to bless us as opposed to just taking things because we can.

And is it really a blessing if the latter is true?

More on this later. Until then, shoot back some more of your great thoughts.

I Could Elaborate, But I'll Just Ask

How much of what we call "blessing" is really just self-indulgence?

This question is not meant to be rhetorical. I'd like to hear your thoughts.

On My Mind

God works on me. Shows me little pieces. Gives me glimpses of Himself. Of me. Of our future.

Shifting focus.

Stuff that was painful to even think about in the not so distant past, is becoming comfortable. Not because life is any easier to deal with, but because I have a greater sense of God's faithfulness to me. I'm beginning to believe that doing what is harder with God is infinitely better than opting for the deception of comfort outside of his presence. And the beginning of belief is where the living of a life starts to change.

There is a lot to this life thing. It often overwhelms me. I am fearful by nature. And I like control. Tonight, everything feels out of whack.

What I love about God is that he is teaching me in this very place. Not just to trust Him. It's more than that. He is teaching me to change. Can't I love you without changing? I ask him.

No, is his gentle reply.

I spoke with someone recently about the nature of humans to balk at the commands of God. We don't like being bossed around. But what I reminded this person is that God's ways are always good for us. He is always for us. I mused that maybe if we really, really understood that, we'd be more likely to obey him, even when it is hard.

My own words have been echoing in my head.

I recognize in others the veneer of faith-talk that barely disguises a life lived only for self. I recognize it because that is often how I operate. I understand his words. They even stir me emotionally. But too many times, I am unwilling to live them out. Unwilling to get over myself enough to let God change me for my own good.

Is it too hard, or is it just too scary?

I almost don't care anymore. Because I think I like His version of Lori better than my own.

You Have no Idea How Excited I was When I Discovered This Book

I was reading a few articles about (so-called) Christian Environmentalism when I came across a reference to the book Pollution and the Death of Man: The Christian View of Ecology by Francis Schaeffer. The title was enough to make me want to read it, but when I saw who wrote it I nearly fell off my chair.

A Big Dawg in the world of Christian teachers had written a book about ecology.

Hello, Amazon? Send me my copy right now.

I purchased a used copy and got to reading as soon as it arrived. I was not disappointed.

This book was written in the seventies. Schaeffer uses the first few chapters of his short (YAY!) book to refute some points made by writers of the day, who blamed the spread of Christianity for the poor state of the natural world. (Two of the essays he refutes are printed in the back of the book.) Schaeffer discusses, and rejects, the idea that one can make a moral appeal for the environment without a belief that it was created for a purpose. He makes the point that such appeals address morality only in their terminology. When scrutinized, these appeals are simply pragmatism disguised as morality.

He also discusses, and again rejects, the notion that pantheism offers a solution. Instead, he gives a refreshing explanation of creation and the place that each component (man, tree, bird, etc) has within it. This, of course, from the Biblical perspective. He points out how man is "one" with nature because he, like nature has been created by God. He then asserts that its beauty is not what makes nature worth saving. Neither is its usefulness. It is worth our respect because God made it. To disrespect it (a created thing) is not only to show contempt for God, but it is also to deny the place God gave us which is, like nature, a created thing.

Additionally, he states that man is unlike nature in that we were created in God's image. In this way, we are above nature, and indeed were given dominion over it. However, we, unlike a tree, can act upon it in ways that God did not intend. In regard to one's view of nature, Schaeffer is very careful to point out where the "hippies" (his term, not mine) get it right and where they don't. And he does the same for the Christian, making the point, where necessary, that our view of nature is often not quite right.

I found one thing Schaeffer mentions particularly interesting, perhaps because I had never really thought about it this way before. He says: In each of the alienations arising from the Fall, the Christians, individually and corporately, should consciously in practice be a healing redemptive factor - in the separation of man from God, of man from himself, of man from man, of man from nature, and of nature from nature... a Chritian-based science and technology should conscioulsly try to see nature substantially healed, while waiting for the future complete healing at Christ's return.

After introducing his last chapter with those words, he goes on to tell how the Church "can apply them practically to the whole question of ecology." But first he identifies the "two factors that lead to the destruction of our environment: money and time - or to say it another way, greed and haste."

His answer to these problems is that we must rightly exhibit our God-given dominion over nature: recognizing that he is able to do much more than God ever intended for him to do, man must submit to self-imposed limits. Limits to his pleasure and self-gratification. To make his point, Schaeffer parallels this with examples from a sexual relationship and a business relationship.

He conlcudes with these words: The balance of nature will be more nearly what it should be, and there will be a way to utilize nature for man and yet not destroy the resources which man needs. But none of this will happen if it is only a gimmick. We have to be in the right relationship with Him in the way He has provided, and then, as Christians, have and practice the Christian view of nature.

Can you tell I loved this book? I swear I didn't tell you everything. If you read it you will get a clearer understanding of how man can be "one" with nature and yet still be "above" it. And there is good stuff in there about how our view of nature even affects our witness.

Good stuff.

I know you're not going to, but go read it.

Tossing this out there

My kids have been singing "Jesus Loves the Little Children" lately. I'd say it's cute, but honestly, it makes me cringe. These are the words:

Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in his sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

What I am about to say will be perceived by some as overreaction on my part. Or maybe you simply won't believe it. So be it. But I am saying it anyway.

Referring to people as "red" or "yellow" isn't always so well received by the recipients of those names. "Black" is falling into that category more often now too.

Please do not leave me comments about how it doesn't bother you to be called "white" because that's what you are, and so why is it such a big deal to refer to people's color if that's what they are. If that is what you are thinking, then I am probably not going to convince you any differently, and you will likely go on singing "Jesus Love the Little Children" as you always have (if you sing it at all.)

For those of you who believe me and don't feel defensive about it, may I offer a suggestion? These are the words that I heard a member of our travel group singing when we were in China.

Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Big and little, dark and light,
All are precious in his sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

I wish I had remembered these words and taught them to my kids. But hearing them sing the old version prompted me to contact my friend and ask her for the words. Turns out she made them up because she wasn't so fond of the original version either.

So, the suggestion is this: have courage enough that, next time you hear this song, you take the opportunity to educate people and offer these alternative lyrics.

And just for taking me up on this offer, I will throw in the following bonus, free of charge:

Objects are "oriental" (like a rug, a lamp, or a type of cuisine.)
People are "Asian."

Intelligent Confines

I don't talk much about homeschooling on my blog, so it shouldn't come as a big surprise that I (veteran homeschooler that I am... COUGH!) take a more low key approach. By "low key" I don't mean that I don't take it seriously or that I try to make things easy for Ms. Boo. Neither is the case.

But I went to preview some material today with a local rep from a well-known homeschooling company. The rep was nice, but he was, of course, trying to sell me something, so he was talking up the program. The only problem was that what he said played to the part of schooling (home or otherwise) that I hate the most: intelligence worship.

Here's the thing. It is not my goal to have Ms. Boo reading better than anyone else. It is not my goal to have her reading before anyone else. It is not my goal for her to know more vocabulary than anyone else. It is not my goal to have her recite her addition facts faster than anyone else.

It is not my goal to compare her to anyone else at all.

I taught high school for five years. During my second year of teaching, I had a father come in with his daughter for a conference. He had another, younger daughter taking chemistry at the same time, but with another teacher. The younger daughter was bringing home As. The older daughter (the one in my class) wasn't. The father was not pleased.

There were some issues involved that we worked through. She got nervous during tests, etc, etc, so we all agreed to try a few changes and see how things went. I thought that was reasonable.

The girl was respectful and socially mature. She had friends and seemed to enjoy school. She was a gifted musician, and a hard-working student. She struggled in chemistry, but was not even close to failing, and was willing to work hard to get the grades she did. I really didn't have any other concerns.

But her dad did. He launched into a conversation with me which I believe stemmed from GENUINE concern about his daughter. He was very concerned that her grades in my chemistry class were not good enough. WHILE HIS DAUGHTER SAT LISTENING, he went on to say that, getting good grades in band isn't good enough. He couldn't understand how her grades weren't better, given that her sister was getting As. He mentioned something about college. "She needs better grades in math and science. Those are more important than her music."

I was just looking at him, sort of in disbelief over what he'd just said about his daughter, when he asked me, "Right? Don't you think that math and science are so much more important?"

I couldn't think fast enough to form any kind of eloquent answer so, as politely as I could, I just said, "No."

I think he was surprised to hear it. (And I think his daughter was GLAD to hear it.)

Why do parents push so hard? Why do we care so much that our third grader performs better at reading than 95% of all ninth graders? And why do we want to tell people about it? Why do we get angry when they can't read something, or if they don't want to? When they can't recall the capital of Oregon or the answer to 12 x 12?

Tedd Tripp, in his book Shepherding a Child's Heart, lists "Good Education" as an unbiblical goal of parenting. While I think that "Good Education" is important, I think he says it well:

I have met scores of parents whose goal for their chldren was a good education. These parents are driven. They will work with Suzie for hours each night. They coach and prod, they encourage and warn, they will stop at nothing to have their child succeed. Their goal is seeing their child achieve academic awards and scholarly recognition. They are persuaded that education brings success. Unfortunately, scores of disillusioned and broken people are throroughly educated. It is possible to be well-educated and still not understand life.

I think there is a lot to be said for the false connection we make between education and success. If we define "success" as a child who grows up to be good at something they love and were CREATED BY GOD TO DO, then I think that will alleviate a lot of the intelligence worship we tend to engage in. Instead of pushing to get Suzie smarter and better than everyone around her, we start to focus on developing the things that God has made her good at. Sometimes that can be done without an "A" in calculus. Sometimes that can be done without attending college. And it can almost certainly be done even if you don't learn to read until you are in the sixth grade.

Yet parents push. And many parents, unlike the one in my story, push for excellence in EVERYTHING. Their kids are not allowed to be mediocre in anything. I think one reason for this might be because of our own insecurities. We know our kids are a reflection of us and we are so afraid of what people will think of us if our kids are "dumb." What will people think of me if Bobby can't say his alphabet? Or, won't everyone be so impressed with my parenting when they find out how advanced my children are in piano, and Latin, and physics, and ... and... and...? The sad part of this is that children are raised with no concept of what it means to be normal... most people are great at a thing or two, and just okay at the rest (and if we're being totally honest, everyone is downright bad at a few things as well.) And that's FINE!

Worse, for homeschoolers, is the temptation to "prove them wrong;" to stick it to all the people who said that Jane wouldn't get a good education in your home, or who constantly spouted advice because they thought you were "doing it wrong."

Whatever.

My kids are who God made them to be. I truly and honestly want them to read. I want them to read well. I even want them to know what 12 x 12 is.

Someday.

But it may not be any time soon... and that's okay with me.

I refuse to make "comparison" my educational philosophy.

And I refuse to worship intelligence.

On Holiness

I'm living in the gap. It's the place that exists somewhere between what I want to do and what I actually do. The apostle Paul lived there too. It's a sometimes maddening, sometimes exhilerating place to be. The degree to which I narrow that gap is indicative of my willingness to submit my will to that of God's.

I can't make myself holy. God says that's his job (Lev 22:32.) But, oddly, God also tells us to be holy. (Lev 19:2) So which is it? Is God responsible for making me holy, or am I?

Jerry Bridges, in his book The Pursuit of Holiness, makes the case that both are true. He likens growth in holiness to a farmer who plants a field. He says, " A farmer plows his field, sows the seed, and fertilizes and cultivates... [yet] he knows he cannot cause the seed to germinate, nor can he produce the rain and sunshine for growing and harvesting the crop. For a successful harvest, he is dependent on these things from God."

Bridges goes on to make the case that the Christian's responsibility in cultivating holiness is obedience. Now that I have had some time to think about this for a while, I have reduced it to what I think is the core:

holiness is less about what I am doing than it is about how I am responding to God.

(Earth-shattering revelations here, people.)

Bible reading and prayer, evangelism and tithing; these things do not make me holy. My response to him does (or doesn't, as is often the case.) This is not to say that those things aren't important. The first two are indeed prerequisites for even knowing what God desires of me. But without a proper response from me, I have done nothing to "close the gap." And certainly the latter two would be considered holy responses to God. However, if I do them grudingly, not as unto the Lord, or to please men, then they do not cultivate holiness in me either, because these are not proper responses to Him. It would be like watering a seed that was never planted.

So, in response to all of this, I have started asking God to show me areas of my life which need to come under submission to him. For some reason, it has helped me to categorize my life into the things God has entrusted to me. It puts things in the proper perspective so that I can ask him "am I responding to you properly in this area?"

Here are some of the areas of stewardship where I think I have had an improper response to God:

• my marriage - uh, I stink at the whole marriage thing!
  
• my children - as I have focused on willfully submitting myself to God in this area, I can praise Him for small victories in just the last few weeks
• my home/possessions - needing to be a better caretaker as well as become more generous with these things
  
• my body - which is why I am beating it into submission! Trying to make more God-honoring choices regarding food and exercise
• my mind - God gave me one, and I LOVE IT, but I have neglected using it for a long time. That is changing
• the envirnoment - taking my responsibility to be a caretaker of God's creation more seriously
• money - am I using it the way He wants me to? How often to I use it without thinking at all about what he desires? Working on changing this
  

Some of these things are more personal than others. But I think several of these things are probably struggles for others as well. I will be sharing over the next few weeks (months?) more about my attempts to bring these things into submission to God's will.

God is Holy. He deserves my submission in all these things.

And I want to narrow the gap.

OOoooh! I Think I Got it!

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words in my last post. It soothed a weary soul, so thank you.

I am back now and not nearly as hysterical as I was when you last heard from me. I'll give you all a moment to offer up a prayer of praise for that.

[waiting, waiting, waiting....]

Now that you are back, I thought I'd share something random that has me oddly excited: I heard someone say that "everyone has a thorn in the flesh." I don't know what I think about that but if I did have one, I think I know what mine might be. Unlike Paul, I do not believe that I have any surpassingly great revelations. But, like Paul, I think maybe I have something that is meant to keep me humbly reliant upon the grace of God. The thought of it sorta just came to me, and the more I think about it, the more I think it might qualify as my thorn.

I'm excited, not because I HAVE this thing, but because seeing it for what it is (or for what it might be, at least) gives me a little perspective. It gives me an idea of how to deal with it, and it makes me thankful that I get to have God use it for my good.

By the way, there's no way I am going to tell you what it is. I just thought I'd let you know.

I'm CRAAAAAAANky

This week started out fine and then took a downturn on Wednesday.

I feel completely deflated, dejected, demoralized, and any other "de" word you can think of. Except for maybe delicious. I don't feel delicious.

Mostly, I just wanted to scream, "I'm TRYING, but does anyone care about ME?"

In all honesty, PMS may have been a major player. (And getting major-er as the years go by, I might add. What is with that?)

I wonder, though, because it is just my nature to get into a funk. This is the funk where you feel like everything you have ever learned needs to be unlearned, and you have to learn something new in its place. Everything.

And every improvement you try to make is met with R-E-J-E-C-T-I-O-N. Take, for example, my attempts to get up early this week. I know that I need my time in the Word. And I am at the point where I can't stand all my stupid excuses any more. And I know that getting up before the kids to get my day started with God ALWAYS makes things go more smoothly.

So, I set my alarm for 7 am. Not that early, but earlier than Bethany, who is my earliest riser. I figured 7 was a good time because she never gets up before 7:30. On the first day that I got up, I didn't hear Bethany cry until I was on the very last verse of my reading. But it was still "too early." When I went to get her, she had a pretty bad nose bleed, and I was off and running.

That was the last time I was able to read before the kids got up. Bethany woke up at 6:40 the next morning. She sorta went back to sleep... in my bed... but it was the kind of sleep that was more like "I am ready to get up so if you move, I'm coming with you."

And the next day she was in bed with me because she would not go back to sleep in the middle of the night and I was too tired to deal with it. So, when the alarm went off, she stirred and was back in the "awake enough" mode of the day before. I tried getting out of the bed by moving my body one centimeter at a time, but the kid isn't stupid, and she was not going to let me walk out without her.

This is just one example. I feel like I try. Then I feel like, why do I try?

I'm tired of my lame attempts at living the Christian life. I am tired of my short temper. I am tired of my selfish attitude. I am tired of my poor housekeeping. I am tired of my impatient parenting.

I know all those things need to change. And I want them too. But I just can't seem to make any headway. And I think I am tired of that most of all.

Holiness

It seems like the times that I have the most things to say are the times that I am least likely to post. Partly, I think this is due to the fact that it takes me so long to wade through all of my thoughts and make sense of them. Partly it is because I am literally spending my time addressing the things I am thinking about instead of writing about them.

But holiness has been on my mind of late. I don't think I realized it until my pastor's sermon this past Sunday. He addressed holiness, and I thought, "yup, that's exactly what I've been pondering."

What does it mean to be holy and to live every part of my life as to the Lord? There have been several things that God has called to mind over the last few weeks and months. They have been fresh on my mind for quite some time, but I am only slowly beginning to see how to live some of these things out. After the sermon on Sunday, I pulled a book off the shelf in the family room that I read about ten years ago. I wasn't very impressed with it when I read it, so I don't know why I kept it - until Sunday rolled around. It is called The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges. I thought I'd give it a read. (It's short too! YEEHAA!)

After reading the first eight or nine chapters, I spent some time journalling and trying to get some perspective. While disjointed journal type posts don't make for the most enjoyable reading, I thought I would share a few exerpts from my journal. This might be the best I can do to formulate a post right now.

• Need a God-centered perspective: stop viewing sin as "defeat." Holiness has nothing to do with me feeling victorious, rather it is about doing God's will. Not sinning because I want some sort of victory is totally self-centered. I should keep myself from sinning simply because it displeases God.

• "Accepting with contentment whatever circumstances God allows for me is very much a part of a holy walk." (Bridges, p. 69.)

• God shows his standard of holiness through the Scriptures: "The natural result of seeing God's standard and our sinfulness is the awakening within us of a desire to be holy." (Bridges, p 73.)

• Depending on God for holiness means:
• consistently taking in the Word with a humble heart
• praying for holiness

• God will reveal the sin to me. My own responsibility in pursuing holiness is obedience.

• Areas of unholiness in my life:
• desire for self-glorification: wanting importance, recognition
• selfishness that fuels anger towards my family, most often in the form of the "what about me" attitude
• laziness or complaining regarding housework: all that I do can be done in worship to Him if I am doing my work as unto the Lord.
• complaining in general: there is just never a good reason for it.
• not getting up before the kids to spend time with God: I know how much better this has worked for me in the past, so the fact that I don't do it sheer self-indulgence.
• overeating

So there you have it. Me. What's in my head. What I am working on. And what God is working in me.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
See if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

-Psalm 139:23-24

You want me to do WHAT?

So, I spent time with my mentor (for the first time) last week.

Thoughts running through my head. So. Many. Thoughts.

By way of background, I should tell you that we don't know a whole lot about each other. We've been in Bible studies together, where we get to listen to the other talk about how God is teaching us through different situations. That's about it.

During our recent time together, we started talking about ministry. Mine, specifically. She asked me a few questions which puzzled me, like "what are you afraid of?" and "why are you getting side tracked by little things instead of doing what you are supposed to be doing?"

I found those questions odd because, as I said, she doesn't really know what I am doing or not doing. So, I asked her, "what am I supposed to be doing?"

Her response, "I don't know."

Hmmmm.

I wondered if she was giving me a hard time. But then she said something wild. Crazy. Amazing. When I told Paul and Helen (my best friend) about it, they both responded with something akin to "wow."

Here's the "wow:"

After throwing me the puzzling questions, this is what my mentor said, "I am getting a sense that I need to ask you what you are ***ing for God?"

Where I typed *** she said something very specific that several people (Paul and Helen included) have said I "should" do, because they think I am good at it. I've always shrugged it off because I figured that your husband and your friends could be expected to say such things. Not to mention the fact that it seems like there are already plenty of people who do this thing just fine - much better than I, in fact - so I figured I'd leave it to them. It's not that I think I am bad at it - when I give it some serious effort, I am pretty good - it's just that I never thought there was anything worth pursuing in this area.

So, how crazy is it that my mentor, who has never seen nor heard tell of me doing this thing, asks me about it, specifically?

I've been talking with God ever since then. Throwing him little one-liners throughout my day like "what do you want me to DO?" and "who is it for?" and "where do I start?"

And I am just as confused as ever. But Paul and I discussed it again the other night. At length. And I am pretty convinced I need to pursue this. But I am at a total loss as to where or how to begin.

Have I been sufficiently cryptic for you? Mmmm. Believe me when I say that I am more confused than anyone.

Keepin' it Real

My heart hurts.

It hurts in the kind of way that hearts hurt when you don't like what is happening, but you know that God is working things out for your good. You embrace it, all the while wishing you didn't have to.

For as long as I can remember, I have sought out someone to look up to. For various stages of my life, I can name the actual person that I'd singled out. I think it's a security thing. I always sought out a person of character. Someone gentle. Someone wise. A role model. Yet, it wasn't really enough simply to see them modeling their good character. I wanted that person to take me under their wing. Teach me a little, encourage me a little, nurture me a little. I wanted someone like that to care enough about me that they'd devote a part of themselves to me.

Oddly, I think I understood my reasons for wanting this long before I was able to see the actual behavior. God, of course, has seen it all along. He's seen it for what it is. What it is: an obstacle. It keeps me from totally trusting Him for the teaching, encouragement, nurturing, gentleness, and wisdom that I need.

Even as I asked my friend to mentor me, I wondered if the expectations I had of her were too lofty, a little too "needy" on my part. She agreed to do it, but by that time I was onto my pattern, and I braced myself; softened my expectations. My friend has been kind, available, and attuned to my needs. She hasn't fulfilled "the dream," but that's okay. I have realized that my expectations were, indeed, a little too grand. Through that experience, I have heard God say to me, "It's just you and me, Lori. It's just you and me."

Yet just as I began rejoicing over that small victory, I also came to realize that I'd long been holding out hope for someone else. A very specific Someone Else. That Someone Else, however, hasn't shown any interest in taking up that role.

While I've had a long time for that realization to settle in my heart, it's still hard to let go. Lately, some things have been happening which remind me that I'm still holding on. Still holding out hope.

And again, I hear God saying, "Just you and me."

I won't pretend that I like it. Emotional investments always hurt when they don't pan out... even if God can use it for my good.

I am, however, grateful that God doesn't spare me the heartache when He knows that it is for my own good. And I am grateful for a God who is so committed to me that it CAN be just me and him, and still be everything I need.

90 Day Reading Reflections

The 90 Day Bible reading has been going well for me. I am reading a ton of Scripture and I'm enjoying it. As I read, I have found that I have so many questions. It troubles me because it seems to imply that there is so much of God that I do not understand. I am struck with how little I "get" him, and it sorta makes wonder, because I thought I knew him better.

All of this has brought to mind an experience from my college days which seems to illustrate my thoughts well. Allow me to explain.

In the spring of 1995, the majority of my time was devoted to my student teaching at Springfield North High School. What little time was left after school and lesson planning was divided up between sleeping, eating, and sending out resumes. Not too many interviews actually happened, which is okay, I guess, since I didn't really have a lot of time for them. But when the opportunity to interview presented itself, I always took it given the fact that I wanted to, you know, work after I graduated. It didn't really matter too much whether the school was one I wanted to work at. There just weren't a lot of jobs to choose from.

I found myself leaving my students early one day so that I could make it to an interview at the local Catholic high school. Was it my dream job? No. But it was a job. It was also my first interview aside from the recruiters who came to campus from districts around Ohio.

I've never liked interviewing, and I think I have realized, looking back, that I wasn't very good at it either. (Which one caused the other, I don't know.) This particular interview was being conducted by the principal of the high school, a friendly priest. He'd asked his assitant prinicpal to join him; a nun whom I remember to be sort of gruff.

I have absolutely no recollection of what we discussed in that interview - except for the one question that the nun asked me. She said, "if you were going to conduct a lesson on Atomic Theory, how would you go about it?"

My immediate thought was, this question is totally unfair. I don't know if that's true, but that's how it seemed to me. I'd spend HOURS every day planning lessons for my student teaching. A lesson plan to me meant: what kind of strategies will I use to teach for understanding, how will I evaluate, what teaching method is best suited for different learners, how will I connect this to real life... How could I possibly come up with a lesson plan capable of impressing someone enough to want to hire me, on the fly?

Besides that, I was a SENIOR chemistry major. Had she asked me to explain the intricacies of gas chromatography, I would have been very comfortable. But she asked me about something I'd covered more than three years earlier in a small section of a single chapter, when I was a freshman in general chemistry. It was a standard topic for a high school student, but I'd have to reach waaaaaaaaay back for this one.

I paused. And this is what went through my head...

Who was the Atomic Theory guy? Dalton? I think that was his name. What was his first name? Charles? Okay, if you aren't sure, don't say the first name, just say "Dalton." Ha, Ha. Like this matters anyway. She's asking about Atomic Theory because it is the only important sounding term she can think of. Everybody who had high school chemistry remembers there was this thing called "Atomic Theory," but she doesn't have any clue. Alright, so, don't make stuff up, but whatever you do, sound confident.

I spewed out something about Dalton, speaking his name confidently, even though I was unsure at that point if even THAT was the right name. I wanted to talk specifics, but I just couldn't create a lesson that fast in my head. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember thinking that, while the answer didn't satisfy ME, it probably sounded just fine to someone who certainly wouldn't have known any better.

After the interview, I toured the school with the friendly priest. Just the two of us. He showed me the lab. Us science teachery folk get real excited about nice labs. You sorta start picturing yourself doing demos and labs and such and it gets you a bit dreamy. It was a nice lab, so I started to get excited.

Then friendly priest said of the papers piled in the room, "These belong to (gruff nun.) She has been teaching chemistry here for many years, but will be devoting herself full-time to the assistant principal role. You will be replacing her."

I looked at friendly priest man, and said something very clever like "Oh, that's great," which was code for "no. No I won't be replacing her. Because when you go back to your office, she will be waiting for you, and you don't know this yet, but she is going to tell you that I am totally clueless about even the most elementary of concepts from high school chemistry."

The next day, I told my two co-operating teachers at North High School about the incomplete, and utterly lame answer I'd given to the atomic theory question. They assured me that it wasn't that bad. But I knew better.... and the friendly priest did not call to offer me the job.

What does all this have to do with reading the Bible?

In a lot of ways, this 90 Day reading experience has been just like that interview all over again. I know there are things I know about Scripture, and I know there are things that I don't know. By reading the Bible at this pace, one thing I have come to realize is that I take what I do know for granted - as if it makes up for what I don't know. In the mean time, I sort of just gloss over the stuff I don't understand. Maybe I've just been thinking "After all, who is going to know the difference?"

The answer, as it turns out, is that God knows the difference. Though he is nothing like a gruff nun to me, he is certainly aware of where my understanding is faulty, and he is aware that most of the time I don't even realize it. I just slide on by, forgetting, I guess, that he knows.

Yet, he knows. And what he has shown me in just the first seven books of the Bible is that my understanding of him is at best incomplete, and at worst utterly lame. He's gracious to me, no doubt. He does not scorn. I don't feel, as was the case with the interview, like running away and hiding. Rather, by his grace, I am sure, it makes me want to pursue him more. It makes me want to seek him out, sit at his feet, and let him teach me. It makes me want to stop using what I do know as a crutch for not understanding more. The harder stuff - the "huh? what is THAT about, God?" stuff; the stuff that doesn't have a simple answer.

I guess I have realized that, when there is something of God that I don't understand, I have been coming up with lame answers and assuming he doesn't know any better. This study has really brought that to light because I am seeing, over and over, how God doesn't always fit into my understanding of him.

All in all, I have been shown that I have treated God a lot like I did that nun... the way I laughed her off in an effort to comfort myself into believing that my knowledge was good enough the way it was. Dangerous thinking, even when it's just a nun who knows her chemistry.

But when it's God? I'm completely humbled.

Lord,

I confess my self-righteous attitude toward you. I confess that I have taken you for granted and that, in my meager understanding of you, I have made much less of you than who you really are. Please forgive me for this. And forgive me for acting like you'd never know any better.

You don't fit the mold I've made for you, and you aren't supposed to. Please remind me of this, and give me wisdom and understanding. Enlarge my thoughts of you, my understanding of you, my love for you, and my reverence for you.

Please show me who you are in all of your godness. Please remind me that fooling myself about who you are will never be good for me, and it will prevent me from knowing you for who you really are. Don't ever let me try to make you fit my mold again. Though I may act like that's what I want, it's not truly the desire of my heart.

Whatever it means for you to be God, please be that to me. Even if I don't undestand it, help me to accept it and to turn to you for the wisdom to understand. Yes, please be God to me - not the one I make up, not the one I am vaguely familiar with, but The Real One, whoever that ends up being.

Merry Christmas

These last few weeks at church, God has placed in my heart a new sense of awe over the birth of Christ. I've read the passages from Luke and Matthew countless times before, but they are new for me this year. I wonder at the glory of it all. All of history had been pointing to his arrival, and this was the night it happened.

Of course, angels came to announce his birth, but I just can't fathom what that must have been like. What could it possibly have sounded like? Their King was arriving to do all that He had determined to do since before time. This was THE night.

No wonder the shepherds were scared!

What I cannot fathom is how the world managed not to break in half. How could this world possibly hold such glory?

I don't know how it worked, but I am beyond grateful that he came.

Praise you, God. Immanuel has come.

I was Debating, but now I'm Sure

(Revised)

I have had an idea for a post in my head for a very long time. Been debating whether I should do it. I've thought it could be helpful to others to hear, but there is a potential that this could lead to some backlash for me. The real debate, I suppose, has been whether I want to open myself up to that.

But tonight, I drove by a church in a nearby town and, immediately, my decision was made. Their lighted sign prominently proclaimed the following message:

"We are to blessed to be depressed."

Now, lest you all think I am going to don the gear of the grammar police, let me assure you that this post is not about the difference between a preposition and an adverb (as important as that is....)

Let me begin by saying that I think I am fairly cognizant of the fact that I am blessed. I might even be so bold as to say that it is possible I am more aware of my blessed estate than the average person. I am abundantly, immeasurably blessed.

But you know what? I am also depressed.

I don't know what that person meant when they put up those words in front of their church. Perhaps he did not intend for "depressed" to be interpreted in the clinical sort of way. Perhaps he was simply trying to find a word that rhymed with "blessed." I don't really know.

But I do know this: there are plenty of Christians out there who think that depression is a state of mind that can be overcome by a good dose of faith.

You should really think more positively. Don't you appreciate all the things God has done for you? If you would submit to the Spirit, you would find joy.

No one, Thank You JESUS, has ever spoken such words to me, but I know similar things have been said (or whispered) in churches all over the country. It's hurtful and counterproductive.

I believe that there are many Christians out there who feel ashamed to begin treatment for depression. They won't see a therapist or take a pill, because they feel like doing either is some sort of failure on their part. There are pastors out there who tell their congretations that anyone who sees a therapist isn't trusting God to take care of them. People feel guilty about taking a medication for myriad reasons.

I have seen a therapist; a good Christian therapist who prayed with me before I left every appointment. She wasn't some sort of hocus-pocus soothe-sayer. She just knew a whole lot more about how the brain and emotions "work" and taught me pracitcal strategies that I WAS NEVER GOING TO HEAR BELLOWING FROM THE CLOUDS DURING MY PRAYER TIME. Make no mistake, God was (and is) doing the work of healing me. He's just doing it, as he has done with so many others throughout Church history, through another believer. Imagine that! Using a sister in Christ to bring me healing. (I don't know if you've noticed, but he's big on that kind of stuff.)

I believe that part of the blessing to be found in what I am going through is that I can encourage and minister to others who may be going through the same thing, or know someone who is. I want others to know that depression doesn't happen because you lack faith. Or because you aren't thankful enough. Or because you aren't submitting to God enough.

Having said that, I am going to drop the big bomb because I think this could be potentially freeing for someone who is reading this:

I just finished a year-long stint on Z0l0ft.

Now, let me be clear before I say anything else, I am NOT advocating that every depressed person start taking Z0l0ft (or any other medication.) The reason I mention taking this drug is because the benefits were, for me, unbelievable. I can't exactly describe the differnece it made but I can give you examples:

- I cried less.
- I laughed more.
- There were times when I felt happy to the core of my being, for NO DISCERNABLE REASON.
- As the feelings of anxiety and overwhelmed-ness (?) subsided, I was able to start doing things that I needed to do to combat depression. Things like exercising and restoring some semblance of orderliness to my home. Both of those things affect the severity of my depression, but in my depressed state, I couldn't even begin to tackle them. Now that I have had time to practice these things, I feel more prepared to handle them when I am not on medication.
- I enjoyed my family more.
- I have been able to think more clearly about what things are important to me. What I really want to make time for personally and within my family.
- I feel like I have a better understanding of what it means to be more emotionally balanced. Now, when I start to feel that heaviness set in, I am able to recognize it for what it is, and take steps to curb it, rather than just letting it continue as if it was "normal."

That year on medication helped get me over a huge impasse that was growing worse with each passing day. Feelings of anxiety, heaviness, lonliness. I felt overwhelmed. I was despairing. I don't deny that exercise and diet change can affect positive change in the life of a depressed person. I just didn't have it in me to make those changes. I needed help. And that medication was it. I believe God used it to help me through that impasse.

Now that I am off the medication, I am a little scared of falling back into those feelings again. I am, however, at a place where I am much more able to be proactive. A year ago, there was no proactivity in me. There was nothing "pro" at all!

I am sure there are people out there who question my faith or my devotion to God because of my depression or the treatment I have chosen. So be it. If this motivates anyone towards getting help and healing, then that's a small price to pay. Right now, I am counting it a blessing to have had the kind of treatment I did. God used it to reveal himself - and myself - to me in a new way.

Thank you, precious Father.

If you have a question about my treatment, or if you would like me to pray for you, please leave a comment or contact me at inepti2d at yahoo dot com.

If you think that you or someone you know might be depressed, you can learn more here, or here.

Wrap it Up

Today was our last session of Beth Moore's Daniel study at church. I learned a ton, about myself, about history, about prophecy, about God. Beth encouraged us, especially through the second half of the study, to keep with the learning, even though it isn't about "me."

To a large extent, this is true. The second half of Daniel is all prophecy (to him,) much of which is now history (to us.) But even in learning about those prophecies which aren't about "me," God was speaking to my heart and encouraging me. Studying those prophecies and their fulfillment has made me so much more aware of God as a Man of His Word. What he says he will do, he will do. And I get the benefit of seeing, 2500 years later, that in many ways (MANY) he has already done what he said he'd do.

I love the Thursday morning study at church. Particularly precious to me is our Bible study leader, Stephanie, who has a heart for God's Word and a passion to living it out in her life... even when it hurts. And she has shared those hurts with us often, as it seems that with every new study she leads, she is put through a new challenge or struggle.

Stephanie has told us on more than one occasion that she has, at times, dreaded the thought of leading another study because of the challenges she knows are awaiting her. Yet she does them anyway, simply because God has lead her to do it and she desires to be obedient. She is also quick to share the the abundant blessing that God bestows upon her as she lives through those challenges.

I love her heart, and I love how that enables her to lead our class.

I mentioned in a previous post a little bit about working out our faith when we are at church. I guess I was referring specifically to small group studies. Those should, in my opinion, be the places where we can encourage one another in the living out of the scriptures we are studying. It should be the place where we can ask questions and share our shortcomings. It should be the place where we strengthen one another with scripture, encourage one another with the love of Christ, and bear burdens for one another as we prepare ourselves to walk out the door and live out our faith in a challenging world.

Stephanie allows for all of this. She allows for it even if it means that we don't have time to cover all of the material. She is sensitive to the possibility that the scriptures we study may be a great challenge to someone, and we must therefore take the time to build her up before she leaves the room.

My previous post was about the times when people's needs get squelched in a small group setting for the purpose of getting in all the material. It saddens me.

That is why I am so thankful for Stephanie's leadership of our Thursday study. She never squelches. She is a blessing, indeed.

Not to Muddy the Waters, but...

Boomama has got a post up that has people talking.... 100 comments and counting... about the sovereignty of God. The topic has been floating around in my noggin for a while and, while I think I am comfortable with my views on the topic, I am not so sure I could adequately explain my beliefs to someone else. (Maybe no one can. It is a weighty topic. But I think it is worth a try nonetheless.)

So, I am anxiously awaiting Leslie's posts in response to this. Her fist one is here. She always gets me thinking. Me gusta Leslie.

And you may want to go read at least Boomama's post before continuing....

But all this has me thinking (again) about something that happened several months ago. I was in the pediatrician's office with Bao for her well-child check-up. After the exam, the doctor was "chatting" with her. After making some kind of comment about how her parents were taking good care of her, he said something like this:

"You sure are a lucky girl. Someone must have had a great plan for you."

The "someone" was supposed to be God. I'm pretty sure of that.

Not desiring to engage in a lengthy theological debate with the pediatrician, I just let it go. Well, I let HIM go. But anyone who knows me for, like, 7.8 seconds, knows that I most certainly did NOT let "it" go.

The comment didn't sit right with me: the implication that it was God's plan all along for Bao to be surrendered by her birth parents and to grow up with us. I just don't believe that. Why would God make families in the first place if we weren't meant to be raised in them? But, for whatever reason, God allowed Bao's birthparents to relinquish her, and for her to be brought into our family.

I DO think she is the child that He wanted here, otherwise she would not be. But did He originally plan for us to raise her? I think no.

And herein lies the problem. I cannot, off the top of my head, quote Scripture to back up my beliefs. (So perhaps I should not believe this way at all...) But it is something that I have on my "list" to study. (It takes me a long time to flesh out things like this, but I wanted to speak now while everyone else was. I am hoping the conversation will lead me toward a more biblical understanding of God's will.)

So, if you feel like weighing in, I'd love it. Agree or disagree, just be civil. And if you could point me to actual scripture, I would sure love that.

And, just an FYI, I know the concept of permissive will. But I don't know, scripturally, where that comes from.

Big Lessons from Little People

When Ms. Boo was about three and a half, we were having some issues with her regarding the inappropriate use of markers. It was a struggle for a few weeks, as she proved to be quite stubborn about it. I resorted to throwing out whichever marker she used to commit the infraction.

The marker supply was dwindling.

Eventually, I thought she might be getting the point. After a few weeks without any marker calamities, I assumed she'd grown out of that phase.

Not long after that, I remember sitting in the kitchen and realizing that she wasn't making enough noise. You know - she was up to something. So, I stopped what I was doing, scanned the room, and turned on my bionic hearing. I picked up on the sound immediately. The bathroom sink.

Immediately, visions of dripping water and all manner of soggy toilet paper come running through my head. (Innapropriate use of toilet paper being our number two problem at the time.)

Not wanting to know what she was really doing, I simply said, "Boo, get out of the bathroom."
And out she walked. Into the kitchen.

If a three-year-old could ever be described as nonchalant, this was the one. And this is what she looked like:
She went right on about her usual activities as if nothing was wrong. She had no idea that I could see anything on her face. I suspected that she'd been in the bathroom trying to clean off the marker she'd smeared all over herself. (Indeed, the clumps of green and purple toilet paper that I would later find in the bathroom were evidence of this.)

But the sweet girl thought she had removed all the marker. Thought she'd pulled one over on her mom.

I often think about this story when my relationship with God goes through periods of neglect. There is stuff in my life that I need to bring before the Lord, honestly. But I don't. Instead, I go about my usual tasks as if nothing is wrong.

Just like I didn't let Bo go on with her day before I cleaned her up, God gently intervenes with me. He lets me know that he can see whatever it is that I think I'm really hiding. And he offers to clean me up. It makes sense. No mother would let their marker-laden child try to interact with the world as if nothing was wrong. God is no different.

Folks, I have marker all over my face. It isn't so much about what I have been doing as much as it is about what I haven't been doing. Things are getting in the way of my personal fellowship with God. I know if I don't let him clean me up right now, I will slowly become calloused to the reality that my face is a mess - and getting messier by the day.

So, sorry to do this again to you all, but I am taking a break. And I don't know how long it will be. I won't be blogging. I won't be reading blogs either. Not cuz I don't love it... I do. Too much.

But I love Jesus more. Now I just need to act like it.

He who conceals his sin does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. -Proverbs 28:13

Speaking Scripture

Not too long ago, I was convicted that I needed to start incorporating Scripture into my children's day more fully. I had been using a few scriptures when I was correcting them, but that was it. It became obvious to me how damaging that could be for them as they begin to build their understanding of God. Do I want them to form the perception that God only cares about them acting this way or that way, without teaching them about how deeply he loves and cares for them? (Obvious answer alert) No.

These thoughts were affirmed this week during a meeting for the "nursery" workers at church. We were reminded of this passage from Deuteronomy 11:

18 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 19 Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 20 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, 21 so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.

I realized how little I speak Scripture to my children. And I realize that part of the reason I don't is because I don't have my own heart and mind fixed on it. I don't "know it."

My children do a program at church, part of which focuses on scripture memorization. And I think this is great. But, I don't "push" them to memorize these scriptures. Why? Because I don't want to burn them out trying to remember things that don't have real meaning to them. What I DO want, is to use scripture that is applicable in their daily lives and work on remembering those. I think this will, for now, serve them better than memorizing something they don't really relate to. (Don't get all hyper on me. I am not denying there is a need to teach about things that they may not necessarily be experiencing right now. But I think you all know what I mean.)

But, to do this, I need to actually know some scripture that I can call upon from MY OWN memory, whenever they experience different things. In other words, I need to make like a Girl Scout and - be prepared.

So, here is a list that I am developing for myself to work on. A list of scriptures that I can speak to my children whenever the need arises or the opportunity presents itself.

Psalm 118: 6 - The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

James 5:13 - Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise.

Ephesians 6:1-3 - Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

Philippians 2:14-15a - Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure

Proverbs 22:9 - A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor.

1 Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on God because he cares for you.

Psalm 48:14 - God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end.

Hosea 14:9 - The ways of the Lord are right; the righteous walk in them.

2 Chronicles 20:20 - Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld.

Colossians 3:13 - Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord orgave you.

Proverbs 17:17 - A friend loves at all times.

Psalm 32:8 - "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go," says the Lord.

Ephesians 2:10 - We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Isaiah 57:2 - Those who walk uprightly enter into peace.

Zephaniah 3:17 - The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Psalm 119:2 - Blessed are they who keep God's statutes and seek him with all their heart.

Proverbs 19:16 - He who obeys instruction guards his life.

John 3:36 - Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life.

Proverbs 14:23 - All hard work brings a profit.

John 15:10 - If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Fathers' commands and remain in his love.

These are just a few that I picked out because, if they weren't simple enough for my young children to understand, I thought I would be able to easily explain them. There are so many, really, I think this list could go on forever. (There are one or two I wanted to add, but they escaped my brain as I was writing...)

I'm wondering what scriptures you all like to speak to your children.

My prayer list

Folks, I don't pray nearly enough, if there is such a thing as praying "enough."

Personally, when I think of all the things I have to pray for, I feel overwhelmed. How in the world am I supposed to pray for everything? And whenever I hear people say "I pray every day for..." I start wondering how I am supposed to know which things I should pray for every day. Because, obviously, I can't pray for everything every day.

I am trying to work this out. I figure God will clue me in if I keep watching for His leading. But, anyway, that is what I am thinking.

Some of the things that I think I should pray for every day would include:
1. My family, individually and specifically.
2. That God would send laborers into the harvest. I heard someone refer to this as the only prayer request Jesus ever made, so I figure it is pretty significant.
3. And, I am sure if I were someone like Beth Moore, I could come up with a nice sentence to tie up the heart of my relationship with God and my need to continually rely upon him as a prayer request, then present it to anyone who asked, all wrapped up in a pretty red bow. But I'm not Beth Moore. So the best I can offer there is a run on sentence and some overused symbolism.

As for the myriad other things to pray for, I thought I might get the spiral bound index cards, as Heather once suggested, and put requests on it. I used to do something like this, but I assigned each card to one day of the week. Unfortunately, most of the Saturday requests were never prayed for, because I almost always missed a day and fell behind because I was trying to catch up.

But, with the new system, I thought I would just put requests on the cards and leave it out, kinda like a roladex. When I see it, I pray for whatever is there, then flip to the next one for next time. If a request gets answered, I can write the date it was answered on the card, then add a new request in place of the old one.

If I am REALLY crazy, I could even put requests on one side of the page, and scripture on the other. Then I will be reading scripture and praying all day long... or at least every time I happen by the stack of cards.

So, I am going to try it. And here are some of the requests I am going to put into my new system.

Kim's miscarriage (again) and possible molar pregnancy.

Leslie's move.

Minnie's seizures and Jake's sanity.

A little girl recovering from some major surgery.

Addie's In-Laws who have moved to the other side of the globe.

Emma Kate and Brad and their new church. (Scroll down to #3.)

Laura Ingalls Sarah and her baby girl.

My friend Elisabeth and her family, who are moving away this summer.

The locked out workers at AK Steel.

Lost folks. Specific ones.

And I would like to pray for our country. But this topic is also very overwhelming when trying to determine what to pray for.


These are just a few of the many I am sure I will come up with over the next few weeks. You got one you want to add? I'm taking requests.