Keepin' it Real

My heart hurts.

It hurts in the kind of way that hearts hurt when you don't like what is happening, but you know that God is working things out for your good. You embrace it, all the while wishing you didn't have to.

For as long as I can remember, I have sought out someone to look up to. For various stages of my life, I can name the actual person that I'd singled out. I think it's a security thing. I always sought out a person of character. Someone gentle. Someone wise. A role model. Yet, it wasn't really enough simply to see them modeling their good character. I wanted that person to take me under their wing. Teach me a little, encourage me a little, nurture me a little. I wanted someone like that to care enough about me that they'd devote a part of themselves to me.

Oddly, I think I understood my reasons for wanting this long before I was able to see the actual behavior. God, of course, has seen it all along. He's seen it for what it is. What it is: an obstacle. It keeps me from totally trusting Him for the teaching, encouragement, nurturing, gentleness, and wisdom that I need.

Even as I asked my friend to mentor me, I wondered if the expectations I had of her were too lofty, a little too "needy" on my part. She agreed to do it, but by that time I was onto my pattern, and I braced myself; softened my expectations. My friend has been kind, available, and attuned to my needs. She hasn't fulfilled "the dream," but that's okay. I have realized that my expectations were, indeed, a little too grand. Through that experience, I have heard God say to me, "It's just you and me, Lori. It's just you and me."

Yet just as I began rejoicing over that small victory, I also came to realize that I'd long been holding out hope for someone else. A very specific Someone Else. That Someone Else, however, hasn't shown any interest in taking up that role.

While I've had a long time for that realization to settle in my heart, it's still hard to let go. Lately, some things have been happening which remind me that I'm still holding on. Still holding out hope.

And again, I hear God saying, "Just you and me."

I won't pretend that I like it. Emotional investments always hurt when they don't pan out... even if God can use it for my good.

I am, however, grateful that God doesn't spare me the heartache when He knows that it is for my own good. And I am grateful for a God who is so committed to me that it CAN be just me and him, and still be everything I need.