Books, Blessings, and Well Being

Well, that about sums up 2006. Books, Blessings, and Well-Being. It was a good year.

The books, you've heard all about. All too often. But that was a big accomplishment for me. For the most part, I enjoyed the reading. This year, my first book-related goal will be reading the Bible. (I'm still planning on starting the 90 Day reading plan on January 10. Let me know if you want to join... there is still time.) Though reading through the Bible is more than just a reading goal for me, it is probably also the only reading goal that I have set for myself this year. But the reading list in my sidebar has been updated. And yes, it pained me to have to remove all the books I'd already read.

The Bible reading is part of a larger goal of maintaining the well-being that seemed to return to me sometime in 2006. I shared previously about the treatment for my depression. I'm done with the medicine, and I don't see my therapist anymore. And I am feeling pretty good. YAY! The more I go on feeling good, the more I develop a war-like mentality about not getting depressed again... and doing as much as I can possibly do to keep that from happening.

In light of that, I have developed a bit of a wellness plan. It includes a plan for losing weight (which I would also like to do because diabetes runs in my family,) but it isn't rigid. I am trying to work out, drink more water, eat more fruits/veggies and fewer desserts. No major dieting aside from watching what I eat and introducing some more healthful foods. I am writing everything down for a few months (how much I drink, if I took my vitamin, whether I exercised, etc.) I hope it will help me see patterns in my eating and weight loss and if I have accomplished (or majorly messed up) anything.

The chart I am keeping even includes a space to check if I have done my daily Bible reading or my Fly Lady mission. Keeping the house in order certainly plays into the level of stress I feel. The daily time with God is huge though - and not just in regard to my depression.

All of this to say that I am working towards some lifestyle changes. I don't know when I'll be out of the "working on it" phase and into the "accomplished it" phase. But that's not really something I am concerned about as much as making small changes as I can.

Finally, I am certain beyond any degree of doubt that the year 2006 was rife with blessings. I don't even know why I started the blessings blog, but I am so glad I did. It has altered my perspective, and my attitude too, I think! I will continue to record my blessings for 2007 because I know I need to keep up the habit of recognizing (and expecting) God's provision. But, as I begin to focus on some other things, I think my goal for the blessing blog will not be as lofty as it was last year.

So here's to 2007 (and to unimaginative ends to mediocre narrative.)

I was Debating, but now I'm Sure

(Revised)

I have had an idea for a post in my head for a very long time. Been debating whether I should do it. I've thought it could be helpful to others to hear, but there is a potential that this could lead to some backlash for me. The real debate, I suppose, has been whether I want to open myself up to that.

But tonight, I drove by a church in a nearby town and, immediately, my decision was made. Their lighted sign prominently proclaimed the following message:

"We are to blessed to be depressed."

Now, lest you all think I am going to don the gear of the grammar police, let me assure you that this post is not about the difference between a preposition and an adverb (as important as that is....)

Let me begin by saying that I think I am fairly cognizant of the fact that I am blessed. I might even be so bold as to say that it is possible I am more aware of my blessed estate than the average person. I am abundantly, immeasurably blessed.

But you know what? I am also depressed.

I don't know what that person meant when they put up those words in front of their church. Perhaps he did not intend for "depressed" to be interpreted in the clinical sort of way. Perhaps he was simply trying to find a word that rhymed with "blessed." I don't really know.

But I do know this: there are plenty of Christians out there who think that depression is a state of mind that can be overcome by a good dose of faith.

You should really think more positively. Don't you appreciate all the things God has done for you? If you would submit to the Spirit, you would find joy.

No one, Thank You JESUS, has ever spoken such words to me, but I know similar things have been said (or whispered) in churches all over the country. It's hurtful and counterproductive.

I believe that there are many Christians out there who feel ashamed to begin treatment for depression. They won't see a therapist or take a pill, because they feel like doing either is some sort of failure on their part. There are pastors out there who tell their congretations that anyone who sees a therapist isn't trusting God to take care of them. People feel guilty about taking a medication for myriad reasons.

I have seen a therapist; a good Christian therapist who prayed with me before I left every appointment. She wasn't some sort of hocus-pocus soothe-sayer. She just knew a whole lot more about how the brain and emotions "work" and taught me pracitcal strategies that I WAS NEVER GOING TO HEAR BELLOWING FROM THE CLOUDS DURING MY PRAYER TIME. Make no mistake, God was (and is) doing the work of healing me. He's just doing it, as he has done with so many others throughout Church history, through another believer. Imagine that! Using a sister in Christ to bring me healing. (I don't know if you've noticed, but he's big on that kind of stuff.)

I believe that part of the blessing to be found in what I am going through is that I can encourage and minister to others who may be going through the same thing, or know someone who is. I want others to know that depression doesn't happen because you lack faith. Or because you aren't thankful enough. Or because you aren't submitting to God enough.

Having said that, I am going to drop the big bomb because I think this could be potentially freeing for someone who is reading this:

I just finished a year-long stint on Z0l0ft.

Now, let me be clear before I say anything else, I am NOT advocating that every depressed person start taking Z0l0ft (or any other medication.) The reason I mention taking this drug is because the benefits were, for me, unbelievable. I can't exactly describe the differnece it made but I can give you examples:

- I cried less.
- I laughed more.
- There were times when I felt happy to the core of my being, for NO DISCERNABLE REASON.
- As the feelings of anxiety and overwhelmed-ness (?) subsided, I was able to start doing things that I needed to do to combat depression. Things like exercising and restoring some semblance of orderliness to my home. Both of those things affect the severity of my depression, but in my depressed state, I couldn't even begin to tackle them. Now that I have had time to practice these things, I feel more prepared to handle them when I am not on medication.
- I enjoyed my family more.
- I have been able to think more clearly about what things are important to me. What I really want to make time for personally and within my family.
- I feel like I have a better understanding of what it means to be more emotionally balanced. Now, when I start to feel that heaviness set in, I am able to recognize it for what it is, and take steps to curb it, rather than just letting it continue as if it was "normal."

That year on medication helped get me over a huge impasse that was growing worse with each passing day. Feelings of anxiety, heaviness, lonliness. I felt overwhelmed. I was despairing. I don't deny that exercise and diet change can affect positive change in the life of a depressed person. I just didn't have it in me to make those changes. I needed help. And that medication was it. I believe God used it to help me through that impasse.

Now that I am off the medication, I am a little scared of falling back into those feelings again. I am, however, at a place where I am much more able to be proactive. A year ago, there was no proactivity in me. There was nothing "pro" at all!

I am sure there are people out there who question my faith or my devotion to God because of my depression or the treatment I have chosen. So be it. If this motivates anyone towards getting help and healing, then that's a small price to pay. Right now, I am counting it a blessing to have had the kind of treatment I did. God used it to reveal himself - and myself - to me in a new way.

Thank you, precious Father.

If you have a question about my treatment, or if you would like me to pray for you, please leave a comment or contact me at inepti2d at yahoo dot com.

If you think that you or someone you know might be depressed, you can learn more here, or here.

For all you women out there living with CHAOS: A photo essay

Warning: this post is LONG. And if you have dialup, I am sorry, b/c it will probably take forever for you to load it!

This is your formal invitation. You are hereby invited to be an uninvited guest in my home. What you are about to see is real. The characters are not actors. This is the real me, and this is my real house - the house you would see if you dropped by... uninvited.

My house is a mess. But, one thing that I have learned about myself in the past few years, is that I care about relationships more than I care what people think of my housekeeping skills. I don't LIKE it that my house is a mess. But if you came by unannounced, I would certainly invite you in... and then clear a space for you on the couch.

I have slowly learned to let go of the insecurities I have about my poor housekeeping skills, and the worry that I let myself feel over what people might think of me. This is not to say that my mentality is "I am a slob... deal with it." On the contrary, I am taking steps to change that. Baby steps. But steps.

Sometime in January, I was taking a serious look at the routines presented by the Fly Lady over on her website. While I do not adhere to every part of her program, I have learned a few basic concepts that I becoming very comfortable with. I will discuss some of those throughout this post. But I started doing some of the things she suggests, and I was enjoying a cleaner house and, more importantly, a more peaceful home. We actually invited people over to our house... SPONTANEOUSLY! It was so nice. (The CHAOS that I refer to in the title is what the Fly Lady calls "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome.")

But, I hit a little bump in the road. Part of it has to do with the depression that I am experiencing (though less and less as time goes on.) But the bigger part of it has to do with some spiritual housecleaning I have been doing also. I will get into more details about those two things later. But the point is, I let things go around the house and we returned to CHAOS.

My goal in writing this post is to encourage three different types of people:
1. those who stink at housekeeping and are too embarrassed to invite anyone over
2. those struggling with depression, and
3. those who want more of Christ but are dissatisfied with what life currently has to offer.

All of those things have come into play for me. I don't mind sharing them with people because I know someone who reads this will be able to relate. And hopefully they will also be encouraged - because I believe there is a way out of all three of those things.

So I will begin.

Chapter 1: The problem

I had been conscious of what was going on for a while, realizing how much my computer has become an idol in my life. I already knew that I was using the computer to try to fill my longing for relationships (see previous post) and that it was NOT satisfying me. I knew I needed to make God my priority rather than my computer. Yet, I kept turning to my computer. I was letting it steal time away from me. In the process, it was stealing me away from my family and my responsibilites. So, not much was getting done around the house, and when it did, I was crabby about it.

Being a stay at home mom is hard in different ways. Being needed all the time is draining. Constantly having to fend for four people (with no one around to fend for you) is draining. Every moment seems to bring a new decision. Should I give them a snack now or wait until after nap? Should I go do errands in the morning and risk them falling asleep in the car and messing up their nap? Or should I do it after nap and not have enough time to make dinner? What is the best way to deal with them coloring on the wall? or clogging the toilet?

Maybe I think too much. But there is something to be said for having to constantly deal with stuff that comes up for which there is no prescribed plan of action. The mental energy that it requires exhausts me. And when you have depression dancing around in the background, it brings anxiety and loneliness along with it. Hang out with exhaustion, anxiety, and loneliness long enough, and things get pretty desperate.

In my case, I convinced myself that the solution to this desperate situation was to make more time for ME! And, while it IS true that we need time for ourselves (and my husband and I have worked out ways for me to have "me time,") it is not true that the entire day needs to be about me. But, without realizing it, that is what I'd come to expect.... everybody leave me alone and let me be... (write a post)... (check e-mail) did anyone comment?... (read some blogs)... (escape reality)

But this past week of the Breaking Free study (by Beth Moore) encouraged me and reminded me of something that I already knew and have experienced in the past: Christ satisfies me. Regardless of the situation I am in, there is satisfaction that comes from inviting him into my day. My laundry-washing, kid-disciplining, snack-fetching day.

And what I was doing was not working. Relying on an object for satisfaction never does.

So, on Wednesday, I left the computer off. And every time I got the urge to go check e-mail, I just read some Scripture (I love Isaiah 55,) prayed, or worked on my Bible study lesson. I just let God fill me up.

And instead of "computing," I played with the kids. I sat with them during lunch. I held Bethany whenever she wanted to be held. There was time to get some housework done. I wasn't as impatient with the kids as I might otherwise have been. Amazing what one little change can do.

And I think this was the little push that I needed. God blessed in so many ways as if he was saying to me personally, "Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your sould will delight in the richest of fare." (Isaiah 55:2)

God was fulfilling my need for relationship. And not having to search for it elsewhere certainly freed me up to be who I need to be for my family.

And now, my uninvited guests, welcome to my home:

Chapter 2: Refocusing on God

THIS, is what I saw on Friday morning. No, the sink isn't just full. It is OVERFLOWING!

In my FLYdays, I was doing well at keeping the sink empty. But my FLYing lapse caused me to crash land - right back into my old habits. Dishes. Not my favorite.

But, seeing this gave me an idea. I had just posted about how I wanted my blog to be one that glorifies God. So, I had the idea to let you come with me as I tackled some of my chaos. I figured that letting this secret out would free me from the demon that tells me I have to make myself "look good" on my blog. And, having read a few other blogs, I know that I am not the only woman who suffers with CHAOS. So I hoped that letting my guard down would encourage someone else to do the same. I think both of these goals would fit the criteria of glorifying God.

It took a while to get this job done. But I wasn't rushing. I had to start by unloading the dishwasher. This is my least favorite part of doing dishes. And it's how the sink got this way... because I just didn't want to unload that thing again! But I got the next load going, as shown in this next picture, then walked away until it was done.

I watched a show with the kids. And I dusted the tops of the door frames! HAH! That is SO, not something I would do. But, one thing I learned from the Fly Lady is to do one small piece of detail cleaning each day. The dust was "spilling" over the frames, so I figured this was a good one to do. Easy. And before I knew it, my dishes were ready to unload.


So I unloaded the dishwasher and got it running again. All but a few dishes were left, so I decided I needed to return to the clean sink of my FLY days. Fly Lady insists on a shiney sink. I am satisfied with CLEAN. But clean meant that I had to get rid of the slime that you see pictured here. This, fair reader, is my A-number-one MOST HATED and DESPISED task. I HATE cleaning out the drain "thingies." And if the food has been sitting there a few days (as was the case here) and become slimey, I find this absolutely LOATHESOME.

I am not complaining. I am simply stating a fact. Because my honest-to-goodness thought at the time was, I will do anything for my sink to be clean again. All the while I am hoping that my readers will be looking at the picture of my sink and thinking I can't even believe she is letting us see this... and hopefully realizing that there is no shame in letting people see our weaknesses. There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)

Laughing to myself, I start scouring the sink and I tell God I can't believe he found a way to make this fun for me. Already I am seeing how much he does care about the smallest details - like my nasty sink. And, enjoying the fellowship he offered during this endeavor, I start looking for another task that we could tackle together.

And it comes to me almost immediately. It was the one thing that I NEVER want anyone to see. EVER. This is the spot I ALWAYS think to cover when someone comes over. But my only thought is Oh, Lord... that's PERFECT. I finish up my first task, snap this picture...

And I run to the bathroom, throw open the shower curtain and snap a picture of this. At that moment I remember what the Fly Lady says about how we should feel good when we are in our homes. People, this tub does not make me feel good. I cringe every time I see it. So, I chuckle to myself because I realize that, while God is busy picking tasks that will encourage you, he is also making sure that completing them will make me feel good too. I love it!

Having snapped my picture, I turn around and I see my SPARKLING CLEAN sink, mirror, and toilet. Clean, thanks to a Fly Lady routine that I'd already been doing. So, I snap a picture of it too, lest you think I am only here to make myself look bad. There ARE a few things I am keeping up with. Why not celebrate the success? (The toilet is not pictured here, but you'll have to take my word that it is clean.)



I got out the Tilex, and sprayed down the tub. The first application did little to get the mildew off of the caulking. So I re-applied the Tilex and let it sit for a long time. In that time, I hung out with the kids, did a little laundry, put Bethany down for a nap.

When I return to the bathroom, I start scrubbing the caulking and chipping away at the soap scum that had caked up under the soap dish. It occurred to me that maybe I could actually salvage all those soap chips and reconstitute it into a brand new bar of soap. I decided I'd just stick with the cleaning for now, because MAN was it ever difficult.


And I suppose that's one reason why I never do it. Also, I don't like using harsh chemicals like Tilex... But I especially dislike the Tilex when it doesn't work... because I was having to use some serious elbow grease. I decided to get an X-acto knife so I could remove some of the uneven portions of caulking that were making it difficult to clean. But it didn't help much. So I tried my old standby, Arm and Hammer Super Washing Soda. I was pretty sure it wasn't going to do the trick, but I tried anyway... and it just made more of a mess for me to clean. So, I tried the toothbrush with bleach approach. (Bleach, another chemical I'd rather not be using.) But it just ended up that I needed to go back to my scouring sponge and scrub HARDER. The whole thing probably took about a half hour. I will admit to ignoring some "screaming" coming from the living room. I really wanted to get this one done. Eventually, I did. TA DAAAA!

Chapter 3: The REAL reason why I never scrub the bathtub


When I walked out of the bathroom, I was reminded of another reason I never clean the tub... too much time away from the young'uns.

Here is what I found on the kitchen floor. It wasn't just any laundry. It was the laundry that I had in two OVERFLOWING baskets, all of which had already been folded. But don't panic. Because this is exactly what I thought: You know what? This is not a big deal. Are you with me here, people? God had me so calm that I simply told the perpetrator to pick up the clothes and put them back in the baskets. I even took it as an opportunity to put some of that laundry away. To commemorate the fact that I was able to remain calm, I thought I would take a picture of the perp as the reloading took place.

But then I walked into the living room to find these scattered (and some broken) on the floor:

And, upon returning from the living room, I found this on the kitchen table:


Yes, that's cheese. (And yes, I wrapped it up and put it back in the refrigerator.) What you can't see in the picture is the evidence of it being rubbed all over the table.

All of this happened while I was cleaning the tub.

At this point I am about to revert to my old way of thinking: One step forward, three steps back, right? But as I write this, I am wondering if maybe God was just trying to show me that there is joy to be found with him through every little thing. It isn't about getting ahead. (That is never going to happen anyway, right?) Maybe it's just about taking care of the things I need to and feeling good about not neglecting them. With the unexpected bonus of developing my relationship with God a little more.

Who ever would have thought THAT would happen from housecleaning?

Chapter 4: I'm kind of getting into this

I enjoyed getting my first two tasks done, and wanted to do some more. Mind you, I was not frantically running around the house trying to figure out what else I coiuld do. I just worked when I could and enjoyed the kids the rest of the time. It was a very peaceful day.

I washed the window dressings from two different windows that were covered in dust and cobwebs. (Sorry, no picture of that.) Back in January when I started FLYing, Bethany's high chair quickly became a part of my daily routine. But when your sink fills up like mine did, that makes it difficult to clean up the high chair's tray. So, it was nasty (I took a picture, but I am going to spare you...) It had old food dried and caked on it. Now that my sink was clear, I thought I would quickly clean Bethany's tray and sweep out the seat... both of which had been neglected far too long. Once again, Bethany can enjoy a clean place to sit and eat... something her big brother and sister rarely got to experience!

Chapter 5: The next few jobs

This is one of my "hot spots." A hot spot is the Fly Lady's term for any flat surface where stuff just tends to migrate. The ironing board is right next to the laundry area. Whenever I come across something the kids have outgrown, I fold it up and put it in a pile on the closest flat surface... which happens to be the ironing board. (Paul irons his clothes every morning... it has become a permanent fixture right by that window.)


Here is a picture of another one of my hotspots. It is the counter area right near the kitchen door. It seems like something gets thrown there every time someone walks into the kitchen. But as part of the evening routines the Fly Lady has helped me develop, I spend two minutes cleaning hot spots every night. Two minutes is more than enough time to get this hotspot cleared. And that is exactly how it looked on Friday, because I'd worked on it the night before. (Now that little organizer might be considered a hot spot all its own. This is one area that I USED to clean when company was coming over. Not any more. The Fly Lady is BIG on getting over perfectionism. And the truth is, I don't care that that thing is a mess. It doesn't bother me. So I leave it.) And here is my clean ironing board too.

This was everything I got done by the time 4 o'clock rolled around. Not much. But not nothing either. I had to get ready for a "ladies night out" at church. I made a salad to bring, which is SO MUCH EASIER when the counters are cleared and the dirty dishes can go straight into the dishwasher!

I came home from church pretty pumped about my day with the Lord and about the things I'd heard that night that confirmed a lot of what I have been processing. Somewhere along the way, I am starting to wonder if there is anything to the old adage cleanliness in next to godliness.


So, after putting Bethany down to bed, and realizing I was alone in the house... can you guess what I did? I tackled the floor in front of my closet. Take a little looksie.

I laugh when I see this. Partly because this really isn't all that bad. I had just removed a big pile of dirty laundry from that mountain a few days earlier. But what is REALLY funny is that suitcase. Think, astute reader, what that suitcase might be a remnant of. If you said "your trip to China," YOU WIN THE PRIZE. That suitcase is full of gifts that we bought for Bethany while we were in China. But I can't GIVE them to her, because they are meant to be for birthdays as she gets older. So, what do I do? I park the suitcase in front of my closet. And I leave it there.

For five months.

There are too many things in that suitcase for me to find a "place for." And since we bought this suitcase while we were IN China (to carry home all the stuff we bought,) it doesn't have a "home" in our home, if you know what I mean. Finding a home for a big old suitcase is no small task. If I try to store it in the garage, for example, I would have to reorganize the entire garage just to get it to fit. The task has just seemed too daunting. So, the suitcase just sits there. Did I mention it's been FIVE MONTHS?


Anyway, I decided to time this one, since there wasn't much chance of being interrupted. In less than fifteen minutes, I had this. I also had a pile of stuff set aside to give away. Clutter reduction is my new mantra... oh, wait, can Christians have mantras? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, good question. (Sorry, I had to do that.)

Anyway, please note the new home I have found for my suitcase. Works for me.

Chapter 6: Spilling over into Saturday

I went out on Saturday morning to purchase an item that I have been wanting for a while. I found it at Bed Bath 'n' Beyond. I also found dryer balls. Has anyone ever heard of these? I thought I'd give them a try... but I digress.


I came home and noticed the kitchen table. It often looks like this. Why? I thought. That could be cleaned in no time. But, I know what you are thinking... Hey, Lori, what's with the ironing board? I thought you just cleared that yesterday! Well, I TOLD you it was a HOT SPOT, right? But those are the clothes I have to hang, and I don't want them getting wrinkled in the laundry basket... if you MUST know. However, the fact that I need to leave those clothes on the ironing board, brings to mind another little yucky spot that hasn't been making me feel so great. The top of the dryer. This is probably a hotspot too. So, I get to work. While I am working, a little sweetie pie decides to "help" with the socks that have to be sorted. It's only appropriate she would do this while I am cleaning the dryer. You see, Bethany thinks I moved that basket of socks to the floor so that she could have easier access to it. But no, I moved it to the floor because it is *supposed* to be (can you guess where?) ON TOP OF THE DRYER! But, of course, it didn't fit there anymore!




So, thank you, Bethany, for all your help. And, by the way, you are very cute.


Anyway, the dryer didn't take long to clear. And please notice the new contraption for hanging stuff. THAT was what I'd purchased earlier in the day. By the way, I LOVE that thing! (Yes, those are barbecue tongs. I don't have any good place to put those. But you know what? If you came over and saw those on my dryer, I wouldn't really care. I can live with barbecue tongs on the dryer.)

And, of course, we cannot forget the table. I laugh, because as I write this, it looks almost exactly like the "before" picture again. (Same diaper bag is on it, another stack of newspapers... that's worth a good chuckle, I think.) BUT, it WAS clean on Saturday... and this is what it looked like.


Now you are probably thinking, Uhhh, Lori, the laundry in those baskets looks suspiciously like the laundry that was in those baskets YESTERDAY. And, are those JEANS on the ironing board?

Man, you people don't let up! I'll get to it! I guess you have figured out that putting the clothes away is my least favorite part of doing laundry... And the jeans are only there until they finish drying.

Here - take a look at this picture (Yes, it was dark outside by the time I was able to take it... but I did it, so PIPE DOWN out there!)

That's it folks. That ended my Saturday. But I know you still have questions...

Chapter 7: What's next?

Well. My focus over these next few weeks and months will be enjoying God's presence and finding satisfaction in him. Part of that will mean joyfully living up to my responsibilities even when you guys aren't "watching" me. Additionally, I cannot let my computer take precedence over my family, my sleep, or my housekeeping. And I cannot allow myself to look to it for something that only God can provide. What does that mean for blogging? I don't know. I have to determine what my limits will be with my computer. I will be discussing this with God over the next few weeks.

Perhaps in a month or two, I can try to take a few more pictures and give you an update on how things are going. Is the house reasonably clean? Did those dryer balls work? Did anyone die from eating that manhandled cheese?

Until the next time I post... and I don't know when that will be... I will leave you with a verse that has been of great encouragement and motivation to me over these last few days:

Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you. -Hosea 10:12

Anybody got a hoe?