I was Debating, but now I'm Sure

(Revised)

I have had an idea for a post in my head for a very long time. Been debating whether I should do it. I've thought it could be helpful to others to hear, but there is a potential that this could lead to some backlash for me. The real debate, I suppose, has been whether I want to open myself up to that.

But tonight, I drove by a church in a nearby town and, immediately, my decision was made. Their lighted sign prominently proclaimed the following message:

"We are to blessed to be depressed."

Now, lest you all think I am going to don the gear of the grammar police, let me assure you that this post is not about the difference between a preposition and an adverb (as important as that is....)

Let me begin by saying that I think I am fairly cognizant of the fact that I am blessed. I might even be so bold as to say that it is possible I am more aware of my blessed estate than the average person. I am abundantly, immeasurably blessed.

But you know what? I am also depressed.

I don't know what that person meant when they put up those words in front of their church. Perhaps he did not intend for "depressed" to be interpreted in the clinical sort of way. Perhaps he was simply trying to find a word that rhymed with "blessed." I don't really know.

But I do know this: there are plenty of Christians out there who think that depression is a state of mind that can be overcome by a good dose of faith.

You should really think more positively. Don't you appreciate all the things God has done for you? If you would submit to the Spirit, you would find joy.

No one, Thank You JESUS, has ever spoken such words to me, but I know similar things have been said (or whispered) in churches all over the country. It's hurtful and counterproductive.

I believe that there are many Christians out there who feel ashamed to begin treatment for depression. They won't see a therapist or take a pill, because they feel like doing either is some sort of failure on their part. There are pastors out there who tell their congretations that anyone who sees a therapist isn't trusting God to take care of them. People feel guilty about taking a medication for myriad reasons.

I have seen a therapist; a good Christian therapist who prayed with me before I left every appointment. She wasn't some sort of hocus-pocus soothe-sayer. She just knew a whole lot more about how the brain and emotions "work" and taught me pracitcal strategies that I WAS NEVER GOING TO HEAR BELLOWING FROM THE CLOUDS DURING MY PRAYER TIME. Make no mistake, God was (and is) doing the work of healing me. He's just doing it, as he has done with so many others throughout Church history, through another believer. Imagine that! Using a sister in Christ to bring me healing. (I don't know if you've noticed, but he's big on that kind of stuff.)

I believe that part of the blessing to be found in what I am going through is that I can encourage and minister to others who may be going through the same thing, or know someone who is. I want others to know that depression doesn't happen because you lack faith. Or because you aren't thankful enough. Or because you aren't submitting to God enough.

Having said that, I am going to drop the big bomb because I think this could be potentially freeing for someone who is reading this:

I just finished a year-long stint on Z0l0ft.

Now, let me be clear before I say anything else, I am NOT advocating that every depressed person start taking Z0l0ft (or any other medication.) The reason I mention taking this drug is because the benefits were, for me, unbelievable. I can't exactly describe the differnece it made but I can give you examples:

- I cried less.
- I laughed more.
- There were times when I felt happy to the core of my being, for NO DISCERNABLE REASON.
- As the feelings of anxiety and overwhelmed-ness (?) subsided, I was able to start doing things that I needed to do to combat depression. Things like exercising and restoring some semblance of orderliness to my home. Both of those things affect the severity of my depression, but in my depressed state, I couldn't even begin to tackle them. Now that I have had time to practice these things, I feel more prepared to handle them when I am not on medication.
- I enjoyed my family more.
- I have been able to think more clearly about what things are important to me. What I really want to make time for personally and within my family.
- I feel like I have a better understanding of what it means to be more emotionally balanced. Now, when I start to feel that heaviness set in, I am able to recognize it for what it is, and take steps to curb it, rather than just letting it continue as if it was "normal."

That year on medication helped get me over a huge impasse that was growing worse with each passing day. Feelings of anxiety, heaviness, lonliness. I felt overwhelmed. I was despairing. I don't deny that exercise and diet change can affect positive change in the life of a depressed person. I just didn't have it in me to make those changes. I needed help. And that medication was it. I believe God used it to help me through that impasse.

Now that I am off the medication, I am a little scared of falling back into those feelings again. I am, however, at a place where I am much more able to be proactive. A year ago, there was no proactivity in me. There was nothing "pro" at all!

I am sure there are people out there who question my faith or my devotion to God because of my depression or the treatment I have chosen. So be it. If this motivates anyone towards getting help and healing, then that's a small price to pay. Right now, I am counting it a blessing to have had the kind of treatment I did. God used it to reveal himself - and myself - to me in a new way.

Thank you, precious Father.

If you have a question about my treatment, or if you would like me to pray for you, please leave a comment or contact me at inepti2d at yahoo dot com.

If you think that you or someone you know might be depressed, you can learn more here, or here.