Friday, June 18, 2004

Beyond my comprehension

Sometimes I look at Mr. Bug and I think I am going to burst. He is absolutely the most precious boy I have ever seen. Whenever I am holding him, I just kiss him like crazy. Looking at him, as he walks around the kitchen, or splashes in the tub, I feel like I am going to overflow. If I tried forever, I don't think I could fully express the love I have for this boy.

Ms. Boo is my love... and often my laughter. We have a little personal joke between us, and it is the height of my day to giggle about it with her. I am fascinated with her abilities and watching her grow. She is, as her middle name predicted, a Joy.

There have been times, late at night, or during a particularly emotional season of life, when I have wondered "what if?" And there have been a few scenarios. One that I have thought of more than once is, what if there is a tornado? How would I protect my babies. Would I be able to shield them, or hold them tight enough to keep them from danger? I have another "what if" which is totally irrational, about being in the car with them as it sinks in a body of water. Who would I unbuckle first? Would I be able to swim with both of them?

Now, before you call me crazy, I just want to tell you that these are not things that I think about often or dwell on when I do. And I might dare to guess that every mom has had some kind of thought at one time or another. What I do know is that I don't think about these things very long, because even the THOUGHT of living without one of them, and wondering if I could've saved them, is much too heavy to take on for any length of time.

I have been reading a bit about what is going on in Sudan lately. (If this seems like a terrible transition, it will make sense soon enough.) To say the least, it is devastating. But, when I hear stories like this one, I am reduced to tears immediately... because that is one kind of pain that I never want to experience. I imagine myself asleep one night (or up blogging, if this is to be realistic) and being startled by the sound of someone breaking down my door, raiding my home, burning my house. People screaming and running everywhere. Complete fear. What would I do? Run? Try to find my children? Try to find Paul? I have no idea... but am I guessing I would just run. And if, when I got somewhere "safe," I was without my children, I think I would just have preferred to die. I really do.

I don't know if this is sensationalism on my part or not. But I don't want to read stories like these and then just forget about it. I don't want to think "Oh, how terrible" one minute and then "what's to eat?" the next. People are being murdered, raped, and terrorized. I hope that is never "okay" with me.

Pray for the people of Sudan.

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