Thursday, March 23, 2006

Spiffy, clever title

I haven't been blogging or reading blogs much lately. I just caught up on the three or four blogs that I *really* like to keep up with. Blogging hasn't been very satisfying lately.

I have come to realize (again) that I expect way too much from this blogging thing. I expect relationship out of it. Really. Quite silly, I know. I wish that I could talk with people in real life about some of the things that I write about here, but I haven't been good at finding people who want to "go there."

So, it kinda weirds me out a little bit when I hear that people I actually know, in real life, read this blog, but have never told me so. Kinda makes me wonder how many times I have told them a story that they have already read about here... and if they are bored with hearing it again.

But no matter, really. It's one of those quirks of blogging. People lurk and that's part of the game. It's just an odd feeling for someone who has such an intense desire to form deep relationships.

That being said, I have to admit that I have been seeking relationship with others to the detriment of my relationship with God. Finding satisfaction in Christ and enjoying his presence are two of the things we studied this week in "Breaking Free." It became very obvious to me that I spend a lot of time on this here computer trying to fill the void of dissatisfaction with life. This dissatisfaction is compounded by the depression I have been dealing with for a while, because it often leaves me without any motivation to change.

I mention depression not as an excuse, but as a point of reference. I don't think I have mentioned it here before, but most people who know me in real life know that I have been dealing with it. I don't feel any shame in it. It's the way it is.

But even now as I renew my focus on Christ, much of what I used to fill my time with before is beginning to lack any luster. I am nowhere near the point of completing this current lesson with God, but I have been enjoying a more committed pursuit of Christ lately. It really does make other things pale in comparison, even, and maybe especially, blogging.

Part of what God is beginning to show me is that I seek after my own glory far too much. I do it in a lot of ways, but often in my blog. I want to be the funniest or the most thought provoking or the most read blogger. It's a tall order, and one that is impossible to fill. And so it feeds the dissatisfaction. It is a "chasing after the wind."

So I am thinking about what I want this blog to be about and what purpose I want it to serve. The only clear thought I have settled on at this point is that I want it glorify Christ, and not me. What that will mean and how that will look, I don't know.

But I am thinking. And learning. And loving Christ a little more than I did a week ago. It is very freeing, and it's what I need.

So, if I don't write for a while, you will know why. I'm just trying to figure a few things out over here!

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Blogger Robin said...

I think this is a very thought provoking post for many of us--although I know you didn't intend it for that. Thank you for sharing. I personally feel much of what you do(or at least I think I do). Anyway, I hope God brings you to where you need to be with Him and that everything else follows suit.

Fri Mar 24, 07:59:00 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I'll be praying for you. Depression can be debilitating and it is not how God designed us to live. Fasting reminded my of the centrality of Christ. I think God used it to teach me that He is all I really need. I wish I could say that now I've got that mastered, but I just spent a lot of time yesterday on the computer looking at houses in Sydney. So now I need to use it as a reference point: See God took care of me when I was without food, He will give us just the right place to live among just the right people.

I know I write things on my blog that I probably would not say in person, mainly because I assume many of the people I talk to aren't interested in that sort of thing. Also, I'm not a good conversationalist with little kids around. I either get too engrossed in the conversation or in watching the kids. I think moms are supposed to be great at multi-tasking. I am not. I'm learning to appreciate that weakness because it means that I have to rely upon Christ to make a way for me, and it is the path He has given me--not someone else.

Blogging helps me sort out my thoughts, and I've found that it helps me converse better when I've already said it once. Sometimes I can get lost in my words--it is a brain thing. But I also know I can let it take up too much time and it can keep me from relationships here. All in all, I ask myself is it, as a whole, helping me develop relationships or is it keeping me from them. That is a personal matter because it can do both.

I also think that do the degree that we are honest and compassionate with one another in any context, God uses that. He wants us to appear among others with unveiled faces--I know that, but it is so hard for me to do sometimes and yet so freeing when I do so.

Anyway, not sure if any of this make sense, but again I am praying for you.

Sat Mar 25, 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger Addie said...

I go back and forth with this a lot too. The balance of life. Will we ever get it? When we're 80...maybe?

I hate it, when the darker times come. I try to remind myself that it's just an opportunity to grow closer to God. Now, me saying that, just makes you feel right as rain...right? Hmm, didn't think so. But, I am prayin' for you Pez.

Sat Mar 25, 11:20:00 PM  
Blogger Praying for your Prodigal said...

As I have just begun blogging, it has been interesting to me the number of blessings that can happen from blogging. I feel like there is a network of great Christian women in cyberspace...encouraging, supporting and praying for one another.

I have also read where many bloggers are taking a bit of a break...there's a lesson there...for me--but I'm not sure what it is...perhaps--keeping things in balance? Hmmmm--how do you keep an addiction in balance!

I so hope you are feeling better soon--and can find the energy to reconnect with those who are praying for you.


Mon Mar 27, 09:21:00 AM  

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