Torn
Siiigh.
Well, this whole adoptive mom thing is way new to me. I think I'd feel quite capable with a new child right now if it were not for the fact that she is adopted. Here is what I mean...
I think ten months of age is well old enough to let a child "cry it out" in certain circumstances. One of those circumstances would be taking naps/going to bed at night. Babies at ten months can be left for those 10 minutes or so to figure out how to calm themselves and it won't wound them emotionally or confuse them.
But in all of the attachment information I have read, all the experts say not to let adopted children cry it out. They say that, in order for healthy attachments to form, the child needs to know that their parent will answer their cries (read: meet their needs) and therefore should be tended to when they cry.
So I have been tending to Ms. Bao. I have been tending to squirming, pushing, arched-back, screaming Bao when she does her little "I'm fighting sleep when I need it the most" routine. And it gets us nowhere. She doesn't sleep. Then she is crankier than ever for the rest of the day.
So after feeding her today and putting her down for a much needed nap, she began to cry. Again. And Paul said, "just let her cry." And I brought up the attachment stuff. And he said, "I think she'll be okay."
I went outside to rake leaves, because I can't stand to hear it. Paul, who has a much greater tolerance for the incessant crying of children, stayed in the house.
Apparantly, Bao fell asleep.
This is good. But I still feel confused about knowing when to transition into "normal" mode with her, and let her do things like cry it out. How do I know she is attached enough to do that? Or to leave her with a babysitter? Or to let her stay in the nursery at church?
How do I know these things? I don't suppose there are any adoptive moms out there who are reading this and wish to offer any advice...
I am getting tired of second-guessing.
Well, this whole adoptive mom thing is way new to me. I think I'd feel quite capable with a new child right now if it were not for the fact that she is adopted. Here is what I mean...
I think ten months of age is well old enough to let a child "cry it out" in certain circumstances. One of those circumstances would be taking naps/going to bed at night. Babies at ten months can be left for those 10 minutes or so to figure out how to calm themselves and it won't wound them emotionally or confuse them.
But in all of the attachment information I have read, all the experts say not to let adopted children cry it out. They say that, in order for healthy attachments to form, the child needs to know that their parent will answer their cries (read: meet their needs) and therefore should be tended to when they cry.
So I have been tending to Ms. Bao. I have been tending to squirming, pushing, arched-back, screaming Bao when she does her little "I'm fighting sleep when I need it the most" routine. And it gets us nowhere. She doesn't sleep. Then she is crankier than ever for the rest of the day.
So after feeding her today and putting her down for a much needed nap, she began to cry. Again. And Paul said, "just let her cry." And I brought up the attachment stuff. And he said, "I think she'll be okay."
I went outside to rake leaves, because I can't stand to hear it. Paul, who has a much greater tolerance for the incessant crying of children, stayed in the house.
Apparantly, Bao fell asleep.
This is good. But I still feel confused about knowing when to transition into "normal" mode with her, and let her do things like cry it out. How do I know she is attached enough to do that? Or to leave her with a babysitter? Or to let her stay in the nursery at church?
How do I know these things? I don't suppose there are any adoptive moms out there who are reading this and wish to offer any advice...
I am getting tired of second-guessing.
Labels: Adoption, Muddlehood
posted by 
at 2:53 PM
4 Comments:
Okay, I almost gave advice, then I thought better of it. I don't know what you should do, but I'll offer a prayer.
I'll second Leslie. Go with your gut mama.
My bro and sis-in-law adopted from Guatemala (www.mooseministries.org/miarena) and my sis-in-law got "custody" of my neice when she was 8 months or so. She did everything as if she had given birth to her, including letting her cry. They were confined to a tiny bedroom so my sis had to just lay there and listen...MY POINT...my neice is 2 years 3 months now and ADORES, I MEAN ADORES my sis and brother.
All babies are different but it worked for them. My neice goes to sleep for naps and bedtime with no fighting or fussing whatsoever and is one of the happiest kids I know (except my own of course!)
Just my 2 cents, whatever it's worth.
That website has a journal that my sis-in-law kept and my brother wrote some too. Also, have you checked out the adoption forums that are out there. You can get advice from others who are and have gone through exactly what you are....
Here is a link to my brother's "link page"...FYI
http://www.mooseministries.org/miarene/Links.htm
Just tryin to help...I know how hard it is with my own birthchild, worrying about her feeling abandoned, I can't even imagine how hard it is for you. You're in my prayers.
oops, it's www.mooseministries.org/miarene
I was typing to fast.
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