Okay, the New Year Cards? Maybe Not.

(Updated at end of post.)

So, we got this new computer.

Granted, that was over a year ago, but I digress.

Before hooking up this new computer, I had enough presence of mind to print out all the address labels that I needed for our Christmas cards. I kept all my addresses on a little floppy disk in a MS Works database file.

Life was simple. I was happy.

But the new computer didn't have a floppy drive. In itself this is no big deal. We didn't have a ton of stuff on floppies we needed access to. And the few things we did need to access (address list included) we simply attached to an e-mail to ourselves.

Yahoo has been graciously storing those files ever since then. Thanks Yahoo. I mean, thanks Yahoo!.

Anyhoo! (Did you like that?) Some time ago, I finally downloaded the address list file onto our computer. The computer which, by the way, came with WordPerfect already installed. Why WordPerfect has to be all one word, I will never know. But even more nonsensical to me is how to operate said program. I'm used to MS programs. And, after spending (literally) two hours trying (unsucessfully, thankyouverymuch) to figure out how to do something that I could have done in (literally) two seconds in MS Works, I was done. D.O.N.E. with all things WordnotsoPerfect.

Which means that I never did purchase the office suite to accompany WordPerfect.

And so, astute reader, you have by now correctly surmised that I have no database program. And that file with my addresses on it? You're right. It is absolutely useless.

Are you dizzy yet?

But, remember those New Year cards I am attempting to send out? Well, I sorta need the address list to do that.

Dilemma.

I could just buy MS Works and download it tonight. Not my favorite option, but looking all the better as the hours go by. However, before I gave in and actually spent money (eeek!) on MS Works, I decided I'd try an option that I'd been putting off for a long, long time.

So I went over to the Open Office website - recommended by a friend who loves computers (and hates Microsoft.) I tried to download the most current version of their office suite. For those of you who read my recent PSA about trying to renew my McAfee subscription, you know that downloads and I do not get along very well. (No, I never got THAT one to work either.) But, I really would like to open my address file. And come to think of it, I'd like to be done with WordPerfect turning my documents into jibberish. (Oh yes, it did. On more than one occasion.)

Off I went to download my brand new Take-THAT-Microsoft-ware.

Until a little "Alert" box popped up on my monitor. It seems that while I was attempting to download, "550 failed to change directory."

And, to be fair, who could blame 550 for that? Change is a scary thing, y'all.

Change is a scary thing.

(I am happy to provide you with this update, because I know you won't be able to sleep tonight if Idon't. Open Office is now downloading. My computer estimates that it will take approximately 12 minutes, 37 seconds. Give or take 9 hours. So, by the wee hours of the morning, I should have my database installed. I LOVE dial up!)

Public Service Announcement

For those of you who are using any browser other than Internet Explorer AND also using McAfee for your virus protection, please read the following:

You can't renew your McAfee subscription unless you have Internet Explorer. Don't worry though, because the folks at McAfee are really nice about it, what with giving you the link to download it and all.

Of course before you download, Microsoft will need to know what version of Windows you are using. And don't worry if none of the options they give look like anything you have ever seen before, because they are really nice about it and tell you how to figure it out if you are too stupid haven't developed your computer literacy enough to know that already.

But just so you know, Microsoft will need to validate that your computer is actually using Microsoft products. Which makes total sense, of course, because we all know how those crazy Mac users are always trying to download Microsoft products. Just to, you know, see if they CAN.

Oh, and don't worry that that validation thing will require a plug-in. They show you how to do that too. And while you are waiting the estimated 23 minutes for the latest version of IE that you will never use except once a year to renew your McAfee subscription is downloading, you can put together a fun post for your blog. It would go something like this:

Look... 11% downloaded. Quick! Someone figure out what 89% of twenty three minutes is!

I know you think this is a whole lot of madness, but I'm telling you it is all WORTH IT! You do NOT want your computer to catch a virus. That, my friend, could lead to ALL MANNER madness on your computer, and fixing it would require that you become its slave. You'd be sitting there staring at it for, like - ever - trying to get it to perform one simple task, and it would take you something like 10 times longer than you thought to accomplish it.

You do NOT want that. No, you do NOT!

(Look! 27%)

Oh. My. WORD!

Y'all, I have been trying to get some things together for Ms. Boo's schooling that has required I go searching for clip art.

I almost threw my computer out the window when Internet Explorer closed itself for the 573rd time.

It even closed while I was in the middle of downloading Firefox.

I was undaunted. Firefox I wanted.

And Firefox I got.

Um, HELLO! What in the world have I been doing using Explorer all this time?

And now I am off to delete all shortcuts and uninstall all programs Explorer related.

Top Ten Signs your Computer is About to Bite the Dust

10. In the middle of typing an innocent e-mail, menu windows that you never accessed start opening. (And something you're typing inevitably commands the menu to start carrying out some unknown task.)

9. Four and a half years old and its Windows software has never once been updated.

8. Norton Antivirus decides to turn itself on and you can just about forget about getting anything done.

7. You type an a-mail to a group of people and hit send. You receive a mail delivery failure notice before your next screen has even loaded.

6. You want to IM and surf at the same time. Your computer laughs at you.

5. You get up in the middle of some work at the computer and come back to see that your screen saver has kicked on. Just for fun, you jiggle the mouse and then decide you are going to see how long it takes for the computer to completely restore the screen. 45 seconds.

4. People who come over to your house hate using your computer because even their Tandy 1000 is faster.

3. Occasionally, while typing a post for your blog, you get through an entire sentence without any new words appearing on your screen. You wait around for a minute or two, and they slowly but surely appear.

2. The last few times you have tried to print, the print monitor says the job is "in progress," but nothing actually comes out of your printer.

1. The CPU is constantly making this rattling noise, as if to say, "I think I can, I think I can!"