Dear Paul: An actual e-mail to my husband

Could you please call Bank of America and tell them they are driving your wife crazy. They have called every day this week asking for you and every day I have told them that you are not home in the daytime. Every day they have said they will "take care" of it, or some such nonsense. Every day they call again.

Someone gave me a phone number yesterday to call and the woman I called put me on the do not call list, then said that it could take 30 days for that to take effect. They called again today, I spoke to a manager and he said, after cutting me off in the middle of a sentence, that there was nothing he could do the change how their system works and that he is sorry for the inconvenience (even though the inconvenience will probably happen again, but I guess that's my problem, not his.)

I had to (HAD TO) tell him that his company was a lot more likely to get some business from us if they would actually listen to potential customers and try to accomodate them. But that's when he cut me off. So I guess I got my point across eh?

Kicking myself for not writing down names.

ANYWAY, I called the number on the back of the card and the woman could not help me because she didn't know who to send me to to take care of it. That's funny. Then she said "Since you are not the cardholder, I cannot even tell you the balance on the account." To which I said "That's hilarious, because I just listened to a recording that I didn't even ask for, which told me the balance on this account."

Is everyone at Bank of America on narcotics or something?

So... after some lengthy discourse about Federal Law or some such nonsense, I just told her to STOP and listen to me. Finally, she told me that if YOU call she can "push one button" to make them stop calling. And I told her that I already called the number they gave me yesterday to put us on the do not call list (she was surprised they even GAVE me a number to call) and I explained that they said it would take thirty days. So I asked her if this "button" she can push (if YOU call) will also take thirty days to work. She said, and I quote "It shouldn't."

Very reassuring, eh?

So could you please call and attempt to get that button pushed because they are about to drive me batty - as evidenced by the fact that I have just typed out a lengthy e-mail detailing all of this to you.

the acct # is XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX
the Customer "Service" (wink, wink) number is 1 800 732 9194

Thank you for your time.

Respectfully,
L

Shelby's Legacy to my Children

The kids have been watching our wedding video. I can't stand it. I feel so silly watching it. I felt bad that I thought this. Then Paul came home while the kids were watching it, and he said the same thing. Now I don't feel so bad.

All throughout the video are recorded messages from different guests and members of the party. I had no idea the videographer was going to do this. And that is a big part of why I don't like watching the video. You see, the videographer even asked ME to record a message to Paul. He was in the "little room" with me and my bridesmaids, and he puts the camera on me and he's like "what would you like to say to Paul?"

Uh, how about "what in the name of all things sacred are we doing?"

I was scared out of my pants, I mean, dress. So I make up something stupid to say because there is no way I am going to say what I am really thinking, and I then I smile this really stupid smile.

Now just for sake of clarity, I do not regret marrying my husband. And I had a wonderful day... after getting myself down the aisle without puking out a lung. After the wedding, I remember my face hurting from smiling so much. It's just that at that moment I wasn't exactly feeling giddy with excitement. And watching it now is almost painful. Yuck.

But one humorous result of the kids watching the video sixteen (and counting) times, is hearing what they have picked up. In her recorded message to us, Shelby, one of my bridesmaids, somehow managed to incorporate the phrases "rock on" and "peace out." This is something that Shelby can pull off with relative flair, and no one who knows her would think it particularly strange. But I just want you to imagine a 2 year old and a 4 year old going about their day, and then hearing one of them, for no apparent reason, addressing the other with "peace out." Very strange, indeed.

So, thank you, Shelby. The legacy you have left us pretty much guarantees that you will always "rock on" at our house.

And to those of you who are married, I am wondering what kind of emotions you experienced in the hour or so just before your wedding. Do tell... and, uh...

Peace out?

The Bearer of Bad News

I always hate when I have to be the one to break bad news to people. But it must be done, so here goes:

My husband is taken.

Sorry, ladies. It is certainly hard to find a good husband. But mine is spoken for.

Now, I know I do not talk much about my hubby here. My narcissism doesn't leave much room for that. But, sometimes, the man outdoes himself.

I am leaving tomorrow morning for my "perfect day." I posted about it a few weeks ago. He read it. Then he arranged it. He made the appointment for me to get my hair done, booked the hotel, typed out the itinerary and directions to the hotel (complete with humorous references to my post,) and even came home with cash to send me off with.

Does my man not rock? I mean, he rocks even if he didn't set me up for my perfect day, but does the man not ROCK?

Communication

When Paul and I were dating, it seemed like there was no one in the world who understood me better. (And I think he would say the same thing.) So, I think it is funny, now that we are married, that we sometimes get into this rut where I could swear we are from completely different planets. We just look at each other like "HUH?"

I think Paul does way more for our family than I even realize. And he doesn't let it shake him when the communication gets jumbled. He just talks it through with me, which (though it can be frustrating,) is always fun, in an odd sort of way. Hee hee! I love my husband.

Maureen, who is underhandedly trying to take control of my blog, has "requested" that I post some tips about marriage. Listed below are my reservations about dispensing this advice:
1. Doing so would be giving Maureen the upper hand in her nasty take-over attempt.
2. I have only been married for 4/12 years, and that doesn't exactly make me an expert.
3. Not all of my readers (maybe only two?) would be interested in said advice.
4. I see too many of my flaws as a wife to think that I can offer advice.
5. Much of the advice I would give would be stuff that I learned by experience while muddling through my own weaknesses... weaknesses which not everybody has.

But, after thinking about this a little more, I had to admit that only some of the above are actually true, and others are just "dumb."

So, here it is: My marriage tips. (I left out all the "obvious" stuff)

Please note, I enjoy being funny. Some items of advice may reflect that. I will let you choose which are meant to be funny, and which are not. And, as always, comments are welcome.

Finances
* sit down as early as possible and work out a reasonable budget together. then, STICK TO IT.
* decide together how much money can be spent on any given item without first consulting your spouse. if you want something that exceeds that amount, talk it over with your spouse first
* dump the whole idea of my money/your money. It doesn't matter who earns more, and it only builds up barriers if you are keeping track.

Communication
* discuss what you each think is important to do together. (for example, is it important to you that your spouse join you for your mom's birthday dinner; is it important to you that your spouse attend your high school reunion or company picnic.) avoid hurt feelings by doing your best to accomodate your spouse's desire.
* know that (in general) the things that are important to you may not be as important to your spouse (like making friends with your new neighbors, or getting all the laundry folded as soon as it gets washed.) Decide not to let this alter your view of your spouse.
* forget about nagging. spouses will never change when nagged. they may change when prayed for, but never when nagged. (they may change their behavior at that moment... in hopes of shutting you up... but their heart, attitudes, and desires, will remain unchanged.)
* be honest about and willing to deal with whatever selfishness or stubbornnes you discover in yourself.
* write down all the stuff you love about your spouse. keep the list handy so you can add to it whenever the urge strikes. read it whenever you get frustrated and allow your spouse to have access to it so they get some feedback about what makes you happy.

Reading
* read "Preparing for Marriage" by Dennis Rainey, et al. Particularly good are the sections about dealing with expectations, and the roles and responses of each spouse
* read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

Miscellaneous
* if you will both be doing laundry, decide together BEFORE THE FIRST LOAD IS EVER COMPELTED, how you intend to deal with unmatched socks.
* defer all grocery shopping to the spouse who snacks less. vow never to allow the snack-loving spouse to go grocery shopping. you will spend far too much if you do.
* get rid our your television for the first year of your marriage. (this is not my advice. i stole it from some author who wrote a book about marriage that I can't even remember the name of. it is a christian book, something about intimacy, i think. please advise if you know it.) I know people who did it and said it was great for their marriage.