Worst Song. Ever(?)

There is a certain song that I rarely hear beyond the first line. When it comes on in the car, I change the station before I can hear any more of it. It is a line so badly sung that I cannot bring myself to listen to any more.

I can hear it in my head right now...

Step one you say we need to talk

Uuugh.... I shudder. It is just. So. Bad.

Because I have no standards...

The other night, I was driving the car when the song Africa by Toto came on the radio. Without even a moment's hesitation, I reached over to turn up the volume while declaring "oh, this is a good song."

And, of course, everyone in my family knows that "oh, this is a good song" actually means "everyone be quiet now so that I can sing along."

Well, everyone but the kids. So, I mean "everyone" in the sense that two out of five people means "everyone."

While I sang, the kids jabbered away, but Paul, sweet man, was silent.

Until the "instrumental break," when I said, "you know, this song never made sense to me."

He laughed while he asked, "but it's a GOOD song. Even though you don't know the words?"

(Yes, I'll wait a moment so you can let that sink in.....)

I know, I KNOW! Can you believe he said that? I almost had to pull the car over and regain my composure.

But don't you worry one little bit because I set him straight. I SET HIM STRAIGHT.

"I know the WORDS," I said, "they just don't make any sense. But this IS a good song. The music, the beat. You just HAVE to sing along with it."

Who can deny this? (But, then again, who can deny that I KNOW THE WORDS?)

But, OH, the lyrics. OH!

Shall we dissect them?

Yes, let's.

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say, "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

So, you're picking up your girl at the airport. Am I right about that? Why are you stopping to ask an old man for words and melodies? And, what? What is waiting there for you? SHE is waiting there for you - because you've been wasting time with some old man and now you're late. You're making the whole next part about "gonna take a lot to drag me away from you" a LOT LESS believeable. A hundred men? Yeah, right! One man seems to have done the trick. GET TO THE AIRPORT, DUDE!

Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Now, this line would totally make sense to me if the song was about installing a ceiling fan in your bedroom. But, otherwise, I am totally clueless about what you are referring to.

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company

Solitary company? Deep, deep stuff here, buddy. Deep.

I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti

How long did it take you to think of this similie in which you liken a mountain to, uh, a mountain? Only, I'm not so sure that Kilimanjaro does rise like Olympus, what with how Kilimanjaro is very nearly 10,000 feet higher and all. I'm thinking maybe comparing it to something that is actually smaller doesn't really convey the full effect of how it rises above the Serengeti. We won't even get into the part about how Olympus is situated in a mountain range, as opposed to old Kili, which is situated in, well, the Serengeti, as you so astutely pointed out, and how the Serengeti, being PLAINS, would produce such a stark contrast that Kili would likely appear even taller.

Or were you making a ridiculous comparison on purpose, as a means of implying that it really isn't a surety at all, in which case you won't be doing "what's right."

By the way, what is right?

I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become

What have you become, other than the aforementioned Rain-Blesser in Africa? And why is that frightening? And what does this have to do with the woman (the one it's "going to take a lot" to drag you away from... even though you seem to have left her behind so that you could go to Africa and now SHE is coming to visit YOU)? And, how did everything turn out with the ceiling fan installation?

---------

Stupid lyrics? You bet! But is it NOT one of the best songs ever? After you find yourself humming this song to yourself all day long, come back here later and I'll tell you "I told you so."

Pop-Music Psychology

Listening to music isn't nearly as fun if you can't sing along. Singing along means listening to the words, but this is often difficult when the only radio you hear is while riding in a van with three kids strapped in behind you.

But today, I decided I was just going to pay attention. I cranked up the radio to drown out the sound of the kids. Okay, I was really completely ignoring them, but that's a different story altogether.

Two songs came on that I have "heard" before, but never really paid much attention to.

The first was "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John.

I guess he wasn't too enamored with the high life. And by "he" I mean the guy in the song, not, like the actual Sir himself. Because if it was actually HIM, then I'd be confused.

The other song was "Back at One" by Brian McKnight. Here is the refrain:

One, you're like a dream come true
Two, just wanna be with you
Three, girl it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me and
Four, repeat steps one through three
Five, make you fall in love with me

If ever I believe my work is done
Then I'll start back at one

Upon figuring out exactly what he was saying, my initial thought was: "HUH?" Because, buddy, how exactly do you repeat a step that is "you're like a dream come true." You didn't actuallly DO anything, how can you REPEAT it? Or is this, like, something you are just going to say to the woman, over and over and over? If that's the case, then uh, that's stupid. You're gonna end up sounding like a robot, and if she doesn't run away from you screaming because she can't possibly listen to you spouting off another round of steps one through three, then she is going to leave because you haven't actually done anything like, have a real conversation with her, or try to get to know her, or, I DON'T KNOW - display your faithfulness maybe?

So, basically, I take issue with your step five.

But that's just me.

Regardless, I like the song. It makes me grateful that my husband never subscribed to your method for making a woman fall in love with him.

Sing on, dude.

Interruptions.

Riding home tonight I was listening to the local 80's station. They were doing an all-request show and the requests rocked. I punched the ceiling of the van a few times while I was singing along.

Don and I were singing the duet version of "Boys of Summer" when Ms. Boo interrupted. (I know children do not understand the significance of singing a duet with Don Henley, but can she not see that I am POUNDING ON THE CEILING, for goodness sake?) I quickly quieted Boo down, and was able to concentrate again. On the road, you ask? Heavens, no. On the visions. Visions of that video (one of VERY few I can remember) came drifting into my head. Just as we get to my favorite line (out on the road today, I saw a Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac. A little voice inside my head said don't look back, you can never look back,) I smiled to myself. Because, if YOU remember the video, you know that he does, indeed, look back.

Suddenly, I am interrupted AGAIN, and my cheerful countenance gives way to furrowed eyebrows.

Boo again? No, no, no. Something much more insidious.

It's my own brain. In overdrive.

It went kinda like this:

Me, to myself: If he had to look BACK to see her, how did he know there was a Dead Head sticker on her car? Do people put stickers on the front of their cars? Is that, like, some kind of tradition among Dead Heads that they put stickers on the FRONT of their cars? Am I confused? Is there some way that he could have seen the sticker on the BACK of the car, yet still needed to turn around to see her again? Could they have been driving in the same direction and then passed her? Or did one of them make a turn? Didn't the video show them driving in opposite directions? Am I not remembering it correctly?

STOP IT, BRAIN! You are ruining the whole song! STOP, STOP, STOP!

I am so totally serious. This is the brain I live with.

Every. Single. Day.

Just the Good ol' Tunes

Recently I was at someone's house where The Dukes of Hazard was on TV. I love that theme song! It got me thinking about other TV theme songs that I have loved. Here are my favorites, in order.

Lyric Songs
1. Cheers
2. The Dukes of Hazard
3. The Jeffersons

Instrumentals
1. Hill Street Blues
2. Dallas
3. Newhart

I have this vague recollection that I really liked the theme to Twin Peaks, and I know I liked LA Law, but I can't remember how either one of them goes. I tried to link to some lyrics or something you could listen to, but I don't have the patience to wait for my computer.

So, what are your favorites?

Something more interesting

is on the way soon. I promise. I am working on a much more cerebral post.

But, until it is done, the following will have to do.

My stats say that someone from Chappaqua, NY has been visiting my blog. It's Bill, I just know it. (As in Clinton... not my neighbor and fellow church member.) Great having you, Bill. Leave a comment some time!!!

I went to a HS girls b-ball game on Thursday night. It was at the school where I used to teach. I decided that it is a good thing I am not teaching anymore. One of my pet peeves is having hair on my forehead or in my eyes. So, I can't stand seeing people with hair in their eyes. It makes me think that they must be going crazy to have it there. Seeing it evokes an unnecessary urge in me to sweep hair out of my own eyes... kinda like when you clear your own throat when someone else's voice is garbley.

So, I am standing in line to get a candy bar at half time and I am looking around: all these kids have hair hanging down to their noses. And I am thinking, if I were still teaching, I would be handing out hairbands as my students came into class b/c I'd go crazy looking at them for any extended period of time.

I miss teaching like I miss assigned reading.

Anyway, Paul was working at the game, and he took the kids with him while he did some important stuff. So I sat in the gym enjoying the "alone" time while the varsity teams warmed up, which, at a high school game, can only be accomplished if there is really loud music playing. I was just sitting there, zoned out... when I heard it...

the lead-in on bass...

the two notes on the piano... and...

All right stop. Collaborate and listen...

It's Ice, Ice Baby... and I can't control myself. There I am tapping my feet (and trying, in vain, not to bob my head) when I realize that I am also lip syncing along with Vanilla. I would've busted out laughing at myself, but I didn't want to interrupt my performance as I was curious to see how much of the song I could remember.

I didn't do too bad. (Perhaps I too, am a lyrical poet.)

In other news, we have been laying down the law for the last three nights, trying to get Boo to go to bed without our assistance. She hasn't liked the process and has, understandably, been a bit frustrated with the new rules we are imposing.

Last night, while in bed, Boo decided to remove all the beads from a "candy-cane" that she'd made out of a pipe cleaner. In the dark, she lost the pipe cleaner and started crying. I went in and (firmly) stated that I would not look for it and that I would not be coming back in her room once I left. Being 3 1/2, she lacks the ability to just "forget about it" so she kept asking for me to find it. I kept telling her the same thing and made my way towards the door. Boo was so tired and so frustrated with my responses over these last few nights, that she put her hands up to her face and exclaimed, "you are so NUTS to me at night time!"

Hee hee!

Flashback

Oh, it was glorious. The other night I caught a song on "Abosolutely Eighties" that I haven't heard in a REALLY long time. Here is a line:

"You found out you loved me just a little too late."

Any guesses?