For all you women out there living with CHAOS: A photo essay

Warning: this post is LONG. And if you have dialup, I am sorry, b/c it will probably take forever for you to load it!

This is your formal invitation. You are hereby invited to be an uninvited guest in my home. What you are about to see is real. The characters are not actors. This is the real me, and this is my real house - the house you would see if you dropped by... uninvited.

My house is a mess. But, one thing that I have learned about myself in the past few years, is that I care about relationships more than I care what people think of my housekeeping skills. I don't LIKE it that my house is a mess. But if you came by unannounced, I would certainly invite you in... and then clear a space for you on the couch.

I have slowly learned to let go of the insecurities I have about my poor housekeeping skills, and the worry that I let myself feel over what people might think of me. This is not to say that my mentality is "I am a slob... deal with it." On the contrary, I am taking steps to change that. Baby steps. But steps.

Sometime in January, I was taking a serious look at the routines presented by the Fly Lady over on her website. While I do not adhere to every part of her program, I have learned a few basic concepts that I becoming very comfortable with. I will discuss some of those throughout this post. But I started doing some of the things she suggests, and I was enjoying a cleaner house and, more importantly, a more peaceful home. We actually invited people over to our house... SPONTANEOUSLY! It was so nice. (The CHAOS that I refer to in the title is what the Fly Lady calls "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome.")

But, I hit a little bump in the road. Part of it has to do with the depression that I am experiencing (though less and less as time goes on.) But the bigger part of it has to do with some spiritual housecleaning I have been doing also. I will get into more details about those two things later. But the point is, I let things go around the house and we returned to CHAOS.

My goal in writing this post is to encourage three different types of people:
1. those who stink at housekeeping and are too embarrassed to invite anyone over
2. those struggling with depression, and
3. those who want more of Christ but are dissatisfied with what life currently has to offer.

All of those things have come into play for me. I don't mind sharing them with people because I know someone who reads this will be able to relate. And hopefully they will also be encouraged - because I believe there is a way out of all three of those things.

So I will begin.

Chapter 1: The problem

I had been conscious of what was going on for a while, realizing how much my computer has become an idol in my life. I already knew that I was using the computer to try to fill my longing for relationships (see previous post) and that it was NOT satisfying me. I knew I needed to make God my priority rather than my computer. Yet, I kept turning to my computer. I was letting it steal time away from me. In the process, it was stealing me away from my family and my responsibilites. So, not much was getting done around the house, and when it did, I was crabby about it.

Being a stay at home mom is hard in different ways. Being needed all the time is draining. Constantly having to fend for four people (with no one around to fend for you) is draining. Every moment seems to bring a new decision. Should I give them a snack now or wait until after nap? Should I go do errands in the morning and risk them falling asleep in the car and messing up their nap? Or should I do it after nap and not have enough time to make dinner? What is the best way to deal with them coloring on the wall? or clogging the toilet?

Maybe I think too much. But there is something to be said for having to constantly deal with stuff that comes up for which there is no prescribed plan of action. The mental energy that it requires exhausts me. And when you have depression dancing around in the background, it brings anxiety and loneliness along with it. Hang out with exhaustion, anxiety, and loneliness long enough, and things get pretty desperate.

In my case, I convinced myself that the solution to this desperate situation was to make more time for ME! And, while it IS true that we need time for ourselves (and my husband and I have worked out ways for me to have "me time,") it is not true that the entire day needs to be about me. But, without realizing it, that is what I'd come to expect.... everybody leave me alone and let me be... (write a post)... (check e-mail) did anyone comment?... (read some blogs)... (escape reality)

But this past week of the Breaking Free study (by Beth Moore) encouraged me and reminded me of something that I already knew and have experienced in the past: Christ satisfies me. Regardless of the situation I am in, there is satisfaction that comes from inviting him into my day. My laundry-washing, kid-disciplining, snack-fetching day.

And what I was doing was not working. Relying on an object for satisfaction never does.

So, on Wednesday, I left the computer off. And every time I got the urge to go check e-mail, I just read some Scripture (I love Isaiah 55,) prayed, or worked on my Bible study lesson. I just let God fill me up.

And instead of "computing," I played with the kids. I sat with them during lunch. I held Bethany whenever she wanted to be held. There was time to get some housework done. I wasn't as impatient with the kids as I might otherwise have been. Amazing what one little change can do.

And I think this was the little push that I needed. God blessed in so many ways as if he was saying to me personally, "Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your sould will delight in the richest of fare." (Isaiah 55:2)

God was fulfilling my need for relationship. And not having to search for it elsewhere certainly freed me up to be who I need to be for my family.

And now, my uninvited guests, welcome to my home:

Chapter 2: Refocusing on God

THIS, is what I saw on Friday morning. No, the sink isn't just full. It is OVERFLOWING!

In my FLYdays, I was doing well at keeping the sink empty. But my FLYing lapse caused me to crash land - right back into my old habits. Dishes. Not my favorite.

But, seeing this gave me an idea. I had just posted about how I wanted my blog to be one that glorifies God. So, I had the idea to let you come with me as I tackled some of my chaos. I figured that letting this secret out would free me from the demon that tells me I have to make myself "look good" on my blog. And, having read a few other blogs, I know that I am not the only woman who suffers with CHAOS. So I hoped that letting my guard down would encourage someone else to do the same. I think both of these goals would fit the criteria of glorifying God.

It took a while to get this job done. But I wasn't rushing. I had to start by unloading the dishwasher. This is my least favorite part of doing dishes. And it's how the sink got this way... because I just didn't want to unload that thing again! But I got the next load going, as shown in this next picture, then walked away until it was done.

I watched a show with the kids. And I dusted the tops of the door frames! HAH! That is SO, not something I would do. But, one thing I learned from the Fly Lady is to do one small piece of detail cleaning each day. The dust was "spilling" over the frames, so I figured this was a good one to do. Easy. And before I knew it, my dishes were ready to unload.


So I unloaded the dishwasher and got it running again. All but a few dishes were left, so I decided I needed to return to the clean sink of my FLY days. Fly Lady insists on a shiney sink. I am satisfied with CLEAN. But clean meant that I had to get rid of the slime that you see pictured here. This, fair reader, is my A-number-one MOST HATED and DESPISED task. I HATE cleaning out the drain "thingies." And if the food has been sitting there a few days (as was the case here) and become slimey, I find this absolutely LOATHESOME.

I am not complaining. I am simply stating a fact. Because my honest-to-goodness thought at the time was, I will do anything for my sink to be clean again. All the while I am hoping that my readers will be looking at the picture of my sink and thinking I can't even believe she is letting us see this... and hopefully realizing that there is no shame in letting people see our weaknesses. There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)

Laughing to myself, I start scouring the sink and I tell God I can't believe he found a way to make this fun for me. Already I am seeing how much he does care about the smallest details - like my nasty sink. And, enjoying the fellowship he offered during this endeavor, I start looking for another task that we could tackle together.

And it comes to me almost immediately. It was the one thing that I NEVER want anyone to see. EVER. This is the spot I ALWAYS think to cover when someone comes over. But my only thought is Oh, Lord... that's PERFECT. I finish up my first task, snap this picture...

And I run to the bathroom, throw open the shower curtain and snap a picture of this. At that moment I remember what the Fly Lady says about how we should feel good when we are in our homes. People, this tub does not make me feel good. I cringe every time I see it. So, I chuckle to myself because I realize that, while God is busy picking tasks that will encourage you, he is also making sure that completing them will make me feel good too. I love it!

Having snapped my picture, I turn around and I see my SPARKLING CLEAN sink, mirror, and toilet. Clean, thanks to a Fly Lady routine that I'd already been doing. So, I snap a picture of it too, lest you think I am only here to make myself look bad. There ARE a few things I am keeping up with. Why not celebrate the success? (The toilet is not pictured here, but you'll have to take my word that it is clean.)



I got out the Tilex, and sprayed down the tub. The first application did little to get the mildew off of the caulking. So I re-applied the Tilex and let it sit for a long time. In that time, I hung out with the kids, did a little laundry, put Bethany down for a nap.

When I return to the bathroom, I start scrubbing the caulking and chipping away at the soap scum that had caked up under the soap dish. It occurred to me that maybe I could actually salvage all those soap chips and reconstitute it into a brand new bar of soap. I decided I'd just stick with the cleaning for now, because MAN was it ever difficult.


And I suppose that's one reason why I never do it. Also, I don't like using harsh chemicals like Tilex... But I especially dislike the Tilex when it doesn't work... because I was having to use some serious elbow grease. I decided to get an X-acto knife so I could remove some of the uneven portions of caulking that were making it difficult to clean. But it didn't help much. So I tried my old standby, Arm and Hammer Super Washing Soda. I was pretty sure it wasn't going to do the trick, but I tried anyway... and it just made more of a mess for me to clean. So, I tried the toothbrush with bleach approach. (Bleach, another chemical I'd rather not be using.) But it just ended up that I needed to go back to my scouring sponge and scrub HARDER. The whole thing probably took about a half hour. I will admit to ignoring some "screaming" coming from the living room. I really wanted to get this one done. Eventually, I did. TA DAAAA!

Chapter 3: The REAL reason why I never scrub the bathtub


When I walked out of the bathroom, I was reminded of another reason I never clean the tub... too much time away from the young'uns.

Here is what I found on the kitchen floor. It wasn't just any laundry. It was the laundry that I had in two OVERFLOWING baskets, all of which had already been folded. But don't panic. Because this is exactly what I thought: You know what? This is not a big deal. Are you with me here, people? God had me so calm that I simply told the perpetrator to pick up the clothes and put them back in the baskets. I even took it as an opportunity to put some of that laundry away. To commemorate the fact that I was able to remain calm, I thought I would take a picture of the perp as the reloading took place.

But then I walked into the living room to find these scattered (and some broken) on the floor:

And, upon returning from the living room, I found this on the kitchen table:


Yes, that's cheese. (And yes, I wrapped it up and put it back in the refrigerator.) What you can't see in the picture is the evidence of it being rubbed all over the table.

All of this happened while I was cleaning the tub.

At this point I am about to revert to my old way of thinking: One step forward, three steps back, right? But as I write this, I am wondering if maybe God was just trying to show me that there is joy to be found with him through every little thing. It isn't about getting ahead. (That is never going to happen anyway, right?) Maybe it's just about taking care of the things I need to and feeling good about not neglecting them. With the unexpected bonus of developing my relationship with God a little more.

Who ever would have thought THAT would happen from housecleaning?

Chapter 4: I'm kind of getting into this

I enjoyed getting my first two tasks done, and wanted to do some more. Mind you, I was not frantically running around the house trying to figure out what else I coiuld do. I just worked when I could and enjoyed the kids the rest of the time. It was a very peaceful day.

I washed the window dressings from two different windows that were covered in dust and cobwebs. (Sorry, no picture of that.) Back in January when I started FLYing, Bethany's high chair quickly became a part of my daily routine. But when your sink fills up like mine did, that makes it difficult to clean up the high chair's tray. So, it was nasty (I took a picture, but I am going to spare you...) It had old food dried and caked on it. Now that my sink was clear, I thought I would quickly clean Bethany's tray and sweep out the seat... both of which had been neglected far too long. Once again, Bethany can enjoy a clean place to sit and eat... something her big brother and sister rarely got to experience!

Chapter 5: The next few jobs

This is one of my "hot spots." A hot spot is the Fly Lady's term for any flat surface where stuff just tends to migrate. The ironing board is right next to the laundry area. Whenever I come across something the kids have outgrown, I fold it up and put it in a pile on the closest flat surface... which happens to be the ironing board. (Paul irons his clothes every morning... it has become a permanent fixture right by that window.)


Here is a picture of another one of my hotspots. It is the counter area right near the kitchen door. It seems like something gets thrown there every time someone walks into the kitchen. But as part of the evening routines the Fly Lady has helped me develop, I spend two minutes cleaning hot spots every night. Two minutes is more than enough time to get this hotspot cleared. And that is exactly how it looked on Friday, because I'd worked on it the night before. (Now that little organizer might be considered a hot spot all its own. This is one area that I USED to clean when company was coming over. Not any more. The Fly Lady is BIG on getting over perfectionism. And the truth is, I don't care that that thing is a mess. It doesn't bother me. So I leave it.) And here is my clean ironing board too.

This was everything I got done by the time 4 o'clock rolled around. Not much. But not nothing either. I had to get ready for a "ladies night out" at church. I made a salad to bring, which is SO MUCH EASIER when the counters are cleared and the dirty dishes can go straight into the dishwasher!

I came home from church pretty pumped about my day with the Lord and about the things I'd heard that night that confirmed a lot of what I have been processing. Somewhere along the way, I am starting to wonder if there is anything to the old adage cleanliness in next to godliness.


So, after putting Bethany down to bed, and realizing I was alone in the house... can you guess what I did? I tackled the floor in front of my closet. Take a little looksie.

I laugh when I see this. Partly because this really isn't all that bad. I had just removed a big pile of dirty laundry from that mountain a few days earlier. But what is REALLY funny is that suitcase. Think, astute reader, what that suitcase might be a remnant of. If you said "your trip to China," YOU WIN THE PRIZE. That suitcase is full of gifts that we bought for Bethany while we were in China. But I can't GIVE them to her, because they are meant to be for birthdays as she gets older. So, what do I do? I park the suitcase in front of my closet. And I leave it there.

For five months.

There are too many things in that suitcase for me to find a "place for." And since we bought this suitcase while we were IN China (to carry home all the stuff we bought,) it doesn't have a "home" in our home, if you know what I mean. Finding a home for a big old suitcase is no small task. If I try to store it in the garage, for example, I would have to reorganize the entire garage just to get it to fit. The task has just seemed too daunting. So, the suitcase just sits there. Did I mention it's been FIVE MONTHS?


Anyway, I decided to time this one, since there wasn't much chance of being interrupted. In less than fifteen minutes, I had this. I also had a pile of stuff set aside to give away. Clutter reduction is my new mantra... oh, wait, can Christians have mantras? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, good question. (Sorry, I had to do that.)

Anyway, please note the new home I have found for my suitcase. Works for me.

Chapter 6: Spilling over into Saturday

I went out on Saturday morning to purchase an item that I have been wanting for a while. I found it at Bed Bath 'n' Beyond. I also found dryer balls. Has anyone ever heard of these? I thought I'd give them a try... but I digress.


I came home and noticed the kitchen table. It often looks like this. Why? I thought. That could be cleaned in no time. But, I know what you are thinking... Hey, Lori, what's with the ironing board? I thought you just cleared that yesterday! Well, I TOLD you it was a HOT SPOT, right? But those are the clothes I have to hang, and I don't want them getting wrinkled in the laundry basket... if you MUST know. However, the fact that I need to leave those clothes on the ironing board, brings to mind another little yucky spot that hasn't been making me feel so great. The top of the dryer. This is probably a hotspot too. So, I get to work. While I am working, a little sweetie pie decides to "help" with the socks that have to be sorted. It's only appropriate she would do this while I am cleaning the dryer. You see, Bethany thinks I moved that basket of socks to the floor so that she could have easier access to it. But no, I moved it to the floor because it is *supposed* to be (can you guess where?) ON TOP OF THE DRYER! But, of course, it didn't fit there anymore!




So, thank you, Bethany, for all your help. And, by the way, you are very cute.


Anyway, the dryer didn't take long to clear. And please notice the new contraption for hanging stuff. THAT was what I'd purchased earlier in the day. By the way, I LOVE that thing! (Yes, those are barbecue tongs. I don't have any good place to put those. But you know what? If you came over and saw those on my dryer, I wouldn't really care. I can live with barbecue tongs on the dryer.)

And, of course, we cannot forget the table. I laugh, because as I write this, it looks almost exactly like the "before" picture again. (Same diaper bag is on it, another stack of newspapers... that's worth a good chuckle, I think.) BUT, it WAS clean on Saturday... and this is what it looked like.


Now you are probably thinking, Uhhh, Lori, the laundry in those baskets looks suspiciously like the laundry that was in those baskets YESTERDAY. And, are those JEANS on the ironing board?

Man, you people don't let up! I'll get to it! I guess you have figured out that putting the clothes away is my least favorite part of doing laundry... And the jeans are only there until they finish drying.

Here - take a look at this picture (Yes, it was dark outside by the time I was able to take it... but I did it, so PIPE DOWN out there!)

That's it folks. That ended my Saturday. But I know you still have questions...

Chapter 7: What's next?

Well. My focus over these next few weeks and months will be enjoying God's presence and finding satisfaction in him. Part of that will mean joyfully living up to my responsibilities even when you guys aren't "watching" me. Additionally, I cannot let my computer take precedence over my family, my sleep, or my housekeeping. And I cannot allow myself to look to it for something that only God can provide. What does that mean for blogging? I don't know. I have to determine what my limits will be with my computer. I will be discussing this with God over the next few weeks.

Perhaps in a month or two, I can try to take a few more pictures and give you an update on how things are going. Is the house reasonably clean? Did those dryer balls work? Did anyone die from eating that manhandled cheese?

Until the next time I post... and I don't know when that will be... I will leave you with a verse that has been of great encouragement and motivation to me over these last few days:

Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you. -Hosea 10:12

Anybody got a hoe?

I Couldn't Make this Stuff up if I Tried

Remember the curtains? No, not the movie with Denzel Washington. THE Curtains. These curtains. Remember them? Right.

Ms. Boo remembers them too. You know how I know this? Because last night, on a family outing to the Home Depot to pick out some new interior doors, Boo asked, "Are we going to have no doors for a few days?"

Oh, yes. She remembers. She has witnessed the home improvement process at our house. It's. Not. Pretty.

Case in point. It took us about 45 minutes to install a new toilet seat earlier this week. A toilet seat. 45 minutes.

No. I am not kidding.

So we went over to the HD, and discussed all things door with the very helpful Jeff, HD employee and door expert. He puts the door in hunky doory. (I had to. I just had to.)

After about 45 minutes worth of questions patiently answered by Jeff, we made our way to the registers, and loaded the van with our two, brand new ceiling fans.

Doors might not be the thing for us right now. But, with all the money we've got to burn, we just HAD to buy something. Lucky, lucky ceiling fans.

Paul came home this afternoon to a wife still in her pajamas. And a living room strewn with all manner of toys and an entire container of neon-colored hair elastics. The family room - not much better. I wanted to tell him that I cleaned all day. I really did. But the microwave is the only thing I have to show for it (what can I say, I had a lemon I needed to use) so I didn't even bother trying to convince him.

Don't think I am going off on a tangent here. When it comes to home improvements, nothing is tangential at this house. I just wanted you to know that I was SO into cleaning mode that I not only stayed in my PJs all day, but I also HAND WASHED a bunch of dishes.

I'm convinced that today's planetary alignment must have been extremely rare.

Which is only appropriate for home improvement day.

So, when Paul came home andseemed eager to get on with the ceiling fan installment, I stayed put. The curtains and the toilet seat were all of my doing, so I figured I'd lay low.

Paul had the electrical stuff pretty well in hand until he realized that there were four wires coming out of our ceiling where the old fan was. This is not such a big deal except that the installation booklet only mentions three.

He made a few phone calls (because, who STAYS HOME on a Friday night) and he finally found a friend who explained that the wiring was for separate switches on the light and the fan.

Paul returned to the task.

But, as it turns out, it's kinda difficult to install ceiling fans alone. And in the dark. So there was a whole lot of flashlight holding, screwdriver handing, motor supporting, and kid anesthetizing that had to be done. So, jump in I did.

Oh, for the love of all things sacred.

We got a bunch of things hooked up and what not. Unscrewed a previously screwed on component so as to shove the wires back into the ceiling. Answered a few questions for Lainee about the location of our attic. There was an extra screw that we couldn't figure out what to do with. Somewhere along the way we got all the wirey stuff covered up. We had just attached all the blades to the fan.

Then, we spun the blades. The sound that emerged was the sound of something rubbing against another something deep within the now screwed down and bolted shut interior of the fan. And I just looked at Paul - this sweet man who tries to please me by installing things like ceiling fans.

And I said to him: What do we do now? He sorta shrugged. And then I looked at him. T hen I said: What was that?

Have I ever mentioned that we have three kids?

And that I was doing housework all day?

Handwashing dishes.

That dish water? That DIRTY dishwater that was in the sink? I HEARD it DOING something.

And when I arrived breathless in the kitchen, I found that what it was doing was loading itself into cups so graciously held by Ms. Bao and Mr. Bug, and dumping itself all over the kitchen floor.

They thought this was HI. LAR. I. OUS.

Me?

Not so much.

I seethed some lovely sentiments, particularly to the beloved Ms. Bao, who had done this same thing TWICE earlier in the day with water from the toilet. But she was covered in dishwater, so I had to put her in the tub.

While in the bathroom, I asked the naked Bao to put her clothes in the dirty clothes bin located two steps outside of the bathroom door. While I tended to Mr. Bug, Ms. Bao walked the two steps outside the bathroom, passed the laundry bin, the washer, the dryer, the pantry cabinet, and the kitchen table.

And I was oblivious to it all until I heard her smack the kitchen floor. The same floor that was covered in water that I had yet to mop up.

I found her flailing around in the huge puddle. I grabbed her up and put her and Bug in the bathtub.

During that time that I was patiently tending to my precious cherubs, Paul managed to fix that little problem of rubbing somethings within the fan (see? better if I JUST STAY AWAY...)

Meanwhile:
- kids in tub
- me not tending them (Mother of the year) so that I can mop up the kitchen floor (because I apparently didn't do enough cleaning today)

In my disgust, I shove the kitchen chair that is in the middle of this puddle over to the side of the room. On it's way, the chair juuuust clips the corner of my countertop.

And chips a piece off. I am certain this happened because no home improvement adventure at our house would be complete without resorting, at some point, to the use of super glue.

Once the chip is glued back in place, I go check with Paul who reports that, after turning the power back on in the room, the fan does not work.

We hang it up. Get the kids dressed. Done for the night.

Until Paul figured out that if you just pull that little chain thing that is attached to the fan, it will actually start turning.

So we forge ahead with the process of attaching the lighting component. Which WILL NOT LINE UP with the screw holes we are supposed to be using.

That was another twenty minutes.

We're not convinced that the light fixture is adequately secured to the fan. But, this is just the fan over our bed, so, fortunately, should the light actually fall off of the ceiling, we'll at least have the pleasure of dying in our sleep.

We attached the glass light fixtures and put in the light bulbs. When we turned the power on again, we saw that only two of the four bulbs were working. Paul and I exchanged looks, but it only took me a moment to try that OTHER chain that was hanging from the fan. (I may be some dumb but I ain't plumb dumb.) Turns out that other chain makes ALL FOUR lights turn on if you want to make the room, you know, bright.

And there you have it. A fan. Installed. And, at last check, still attached to the ceiling.

But you realize we're not done. We did, after all, buy TWO fans.

90 Day Reading Reflections

The 90 Day Bible reading has been going well for me. I am reading a ton of Scripture and I'm enjoying it. As I read, I have found that I have so many questions. It troubles me because it seems to imply that there is so much of God that I do not understand. I am struck with how little I "get" him, and it sorta makes wonder, because I thought I knew him better.

All of this has brought to mind an experience from my college days which seems to illustrate my thoughts well. Allow me to explain.

In the spring of 1995, the majority of my time was devoted to my student teaching at Springfield North High School. What little time was left after school and lesson planning was divided up between sleeping, eating, and sending out resumes. Not too many interviews actually happened, which is okay, I guess, since I didn't really have a lot of time for them. But when the opportunity to interview presented itself, I always took it given the fact that I wanted to, you know, work after I graduated. It didn't really matter too much whether the school was one I wanted to work at. There just weren't a lot of jobs to choose from.

I found myself leaving my students early one day so that I could make it to an interview at the local Catholic high school. Was it my dream job? No. But it was a job. It was also my first interview aside from the recruiters who came to campus from districts around Ohio.

I've never liked interviewing, and I think I have realized, looking back, that I wasn't very good at it either. (Which one caused the other, I don't know.) This particular interview was being conducted by the principal of the high school, a friendly priest. He'd asked his assitant prinicpal to join him; a nun whom I remember to be sort of gruff.

I have absolutely no recollection of what we discussed in that interview - except for the one question that the nun asked me. She said, "if you were going to conduct a lesson on Atomic Theory, how would you go about it?"

My immediate thought was, this question is totally unfair. I don't know if that's true, but that's how it seemed to me. I'd spend HOURS every day planning lessons for my student teaching. A lesson plan to me meant: what kind of strategies will I use to teach for understanding, how will I evaluate, what teaching method is best suited for different learners, how will I connect this to real life... How could I possibly come up with a lesson plan capable of impressing someone enough to want to hire me, on the fly?

Besides that, I was a SENIOR chemistry major. Had she asked me to explain the intricacies of gas chromatography, I would have been very comfortable. But she asked me about something I'd covered more than three years earlier in a small section of a single chapter, when I was a freshman in general chemistry. It was a standard topic for a high school student, but I'd have to reach waaaaaaaaay back for this one.

I paused. And this is what went through my head...

Who was the Atomic Theory guy? Dalton? I think that was his name. What was his first name? Charles? Okay, if you aren't sure, don't say the first name, just say "Dalton." Ha, Ha. Like this matters anyway. She's asking about Atomic Theory because it is the only important sounding term she can think of. Everybody who had high school chemistry remembers there was this thing called "Atomic Theory," but she doesn't have any clue. Alright, so, don't make stuff up, but whatever you do, sound confident.

I spewed out something about Dalton, speaking his name confidently, even though I was unsure at that point if even THAT was the right name. I wanted to talk specifics, but I just couldn't create a lesson that fast in my head. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember thinking that, while the answer didn't satisfy ME, it probably sounded just fine to someone who certainly wouldn't have known any better.

After the interview, I toured the school with the friendly priest. Just the two of us. He showed me the lab. Us science teachery folk get real excited about nice labs. You sorta start picturing yourself doing demos and labs and such and it gets you a bit dreamy. It was a nice lab, so I started to get excited.

Then friendly priest said of the papers piled in the room, "These belong to (gruff nun.) She has been teaching chemistry here for many years, but will be devoting herself full-time to the assistant principal role. You will be replacing her."

I looked at friendly priest man, and said something very clever like "Oh, that's great," which was code for "no. No I won't be replacing her. Because when you go back to your office, she will be waiting for you, and you don't know this yet, but she is going to tell you that I am totally clueless about even the most elementary of concepts from high school chemistry."

The next day, I told my two co-operating teachers at North High School about the incomplete, and utterly lame answer I'd given to the atomic theory question. They assured me that it wasn't that bad. But I knew better.... and the friendly priest did not call to offer me the job.

What does all this have to do with reading the Bible?

In a lot of ways, this 90 Day reading experience has been just like that interview all over again. I know there are things I know about Scripture, and I know there are things that I don't know. By reading the Bible at this pace, one thing I have come to realize is that I take what I do know for granted - as if it makes up for what I don't know. In the mean time, I sort of just gloss over the stuff I don't understand. Maybe I've just been thinking "After all, who is going to know the difference?"

The answer, as it turns out, is that God knows the difference. Though he is nothing like a gruff nun to me, he is certainly aware of where my understanding is faulty, and he is aware that most of the time I don't even realize it. I just slide on by, forgetting, I guess, that he knows.

Yet, he knows. And what he has shown me in just the first seven books of the Bible is that my understanding of him is at best incomplete, and at worst utterly lame. He's gracious to me, no doubt. He does not scorn. I don't feel, as was the case with the interview, like running away and hiding. Rather, by his grace, I am sure, it makes me want to pursue him more. It makes me want to seek him out, sit at his feet, and let him teach me. It makes me want to stop using what I do know as a crutch for not understanding more. The harder stuff - the "huh? what is THAT about, God?" stuff; the stuff that doesn't have a simple answer.

I guess I have realized that, when there is something of God that I don't understand, I have been coming up with lame answers and assuming he doesn't know any better. This study has really brought that to light because I am seeing, over and over, how God doesn't always fit into my understanding of him.

All in all, I have been shown that I have treated God a lot like I did that nun... the way I laughed her off in an effort to comfort myself into believing that my knowledge was good enough the way it was. Dangerous thinking, even when it's just a nun who knows her chemistry.

But when it's God? I'm completely humbled.

Lord,

I confess my self-righteous attitude toward you. I confess that I have taken you for granted and that, in my meager understanding of you, I have made much less of you than who you really are. Please forgive me for this. And forgive me for acting like you'd never know any better.

You don't fit the mold I've made for you, and you aren't supposed to. Please remind me of this, and give me wisdom and understanding. Enlarge my thoughts of you, my understanding of you, my love for you, and my reverence for you.

Please show me who you are in all of your godness. Please remind me that fooling myself about who you are will never be good for me, and it will prevent me from knowing you for who you really are. Don't ever let me try to make you fit my mold again. Though I may act like that's what I want, it's not truly the desire of my heart.

Whatever it means for you to be God, please be that to me. Even if I don't undestand it, help me to accept it and to turn to you for the wisdom to understand. Yes, please be God to me - not the one I make up, not the one I am vaguely familiar with, but The Real One, whoever that ends up being.

"Stuff"

A few weeks ago I asked Mr. Bug to pick up one of his toys that was in the middle of the kitchen floor. He didn't. Then I explained to him that if he was not willing to put his toys where they belong, I would have to throw them out.

You know what that turkey said?

"You can frow it out, mom." And then he walked away.

So, naturally, I threw it out.

But it pained me. If it was some silly McDonald's toy I wouldn't have cared. Or even if it was another one of his "stand alone" toys, I wouldn't have batted an eyelash. But this was not a stand alone. This toy was just one piece to a larger toy. And now, in my mind, that toy is forever ruined. He can never put the whole toy together again.

And I don't like this.

Lest you think this is just another one of those "weird things about me" posts, I should tell you that I had always had a reason to be picky about keeping pieces to sets. They make the toy more likely to sell at a garage sale.

And I say that I HAD a reason. Because, while it may be true that "complete" toys will sell at a garage sale, I have made up my mind that we won't be selling much of our stuff anymore. At least never enough to make an entire garage sale. The reasoning is simple: almost all of the stuff we have has been given to us. 95% of the kids' toys and probably a greater percentage of their clothes have been given to us. Something just doesn't feel right to me about selling stuff that was given to us. So, if we are going to get rid of it, we are going to give it to someone else.

And the only reason I mention this is to say that I no longer have my standard reason for wanting to keep toy sets intact. So why did it bother me so much to throw out that toy?

Well, I didn't think much about it until yesterday when my kids went to a birthday party where there was a pinata. The last time I was at a party with Ms. Boo where there was a pinata, I had to push her into the swarming mass of kids to try and get her to put some candy in her bag. She was kind of timid.

I figured the same thing would happen again. But, I was tending to Bao, so I was not able to give her any gentle shoves.

As it turns out, Boo has wised up quite a bit since I last saw her collect pinata treats.

She came back with a favor bag FULL of candy. "Look mom! Look at all the candy I got."

And my only thought was we'll just add that to all the Easter candy...

Then, Bug came bounding up, with the same joyful expression and thrust his bag into my hands. With that high-pitched voice he reserves for moments of sheer excitement, he said, "look what I got mom!"

I looked in the bag to find a whopping three pieces of candy.

I gave Bug the same expressions of excitement that I gave to Boo. But inside, my heart felt sad. Why?

He was the littlest one there. Could it be he got pushed around a little? Then again, he is sort of in his own world most of the time, maybe he just didn't get clued in fast enough. Either way, I felt so sad. Sad that my son didn't get more stuff.

Though I have seen the opposite to be true in my own life, I think that when it comes to my kids, I have bought into the lie that they won't be happy unless they have enough stuff. And when it comes to that toy - he would never remember the toy again if it had been a "stand alone" toy. But somehow I am believing that he will be so disappointed the next time he wants to put that whole toy together, only to realize that he can't. I think this is one of the things that makes me want to hold on to stupid stuff.

The interesting thing is, Bug was playing with that toy the other day and didn't seem to notice that a piece was missing. And you know what? He didn't know any better that he did not have as much candy as everyone else. He was just excited to have what he got. (And Boo has been happily sharing hers.) Yet when I should have been overjoyed that he was content, I was sad for him.

And frazzled too. Because in addition to candy we had masks and blowers to bring home as favors. And I found myself almost frantic over the thought of one of them leaving without their stuff. Because I knew they'd get home and be upset if they didn't have it. But instead of helping them to develop some basic coping skills and "get over it," I would only know how to be sad for them too! So, because I can't help them deal, I make the problem worse by teaching them that they should be frantically chasing after their stuff. This way I don't have any upset kids to deal with. (Does that makes sense?)

Now, I am not a major lover of stuff in general. Clothes, shoes, home decor, TVs, stereos, cars... none of them have allured me to any great degree. But that doesn't mean that I am totally free from "stuff love." I also don't know how to teach my kids to be content with less stuff, and to hold on loosely to what they have.

Any advice out there?

The Books of 2007

I'd been keeping track all through the year. I'm posting it because this is the only place where I keep track of this kind of stuff.

1. The Bible - Fantastic. I highly recommend that you read this book! (And I highly recommend the Bible in 90 Days program.)

2. Wild Swans by Jung Chang. You can read my thoughts about this book in this post about Wild Swans.

3. The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges - Here is a post about some of the major themes of the book that really hit me, and how I was processing them personally.

4. Made to Stick by Chip Heath and Dan Heath - Here are my thoughts on this so-so book.

5. The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield - My take on this book starts in the middle of a post about my trip to New York, which is where I was when I finished reading it.

6. Pollution and the Death of Man by Francis Schaeffer - every Christian, go out and get this book right now. GO!

Oh, you want to know why? Here's why.

7. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen - I read this book because I wanted to read Pride and Prejudice (see below) but it was checked out at the library. I was in the mood for a good story and I knew, after seeing the movie, that I liked S&S. So, I picked it up.

Much better than the movie. I even watched the movie again after reading and the movie was very disappointing.

Yay for Jane Austen. I couldn't put this one down. AND IT'S FICTION!

8. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen - A friend lent the movie to me and, after watching it, I was scratching my head trying to figure out where Darcy's profession of love came from. Seemed totally out of nowhere. (I subjected myself to several more viewings so that I could watch his mannerisms more closely and try to see if I could read more into them. All in the name of research, of course.) Ultimately I decided that I would like to read the book to see if Austen included more explanation of Darcy's feelings for Elizabeth. I was not disappointed.

The thing about reading these Austen books is that you have to sit through all the mundane tea parties and visits that these civil members of polite society engaged in. I had to wonder how they didn't suffocate from the boredom of it all. But, apparently, this was one of the things that Jane Austen was acclaimed for - capturing the mundane - but doing so through characters who were anything but.

One detail didn't quite make sense to me, but I will not even mention it because I think it is more than likely a misunderstanding caused by my difficulty in reading the language of the book.

As a modern reader, the only thing that could have made the book better was if we could have heard of their first kiss or their marriage or something like that. I suppose no proper English woman of her day would have written such things for the public...

And now I am realizing that I have made the book sound much worse than I really thought it. I loved it, actually. I certainly got what I wanted out of it, which was more of Mr. Darcy's feelings throughout the story. I believe I will read this one again. Even think I might like to own it. So how's that for liking it?

9. The Three R's by Ruth Beechik - A short book about natural teaching methods for young children. Eye opening, but completely logical ideas she presented included - not needing to teach children the names of letters in order to teach them to read (teaching only sounds, adding letter names later.) Similarly, not teaching mathematical notation (+, -, =, etc) until children are able to do these concepts easily in their heads. Teaching writing by having children copy good writing. Not worrying about spelling until around grade three. The need for manipulatives in math and separating this kind of activity from mental images and notation work.

I took away a lot of practical ideas for help with homeschooling, but, more importantly, I felt encouraged as I read that I could do this more natural approach (which I have found attractive, but scary, for quite a while.)

10. Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Etheridge - the best part came near the end of the book. It was a list of six (?) different relationship analogies that are described in the Bible. She ranks them in order of the intimacy with God that they portray. Personally, I found these very revealing. (Ironically, she credits this material to another author.) The rest of the book contained some good reminders for maintaining purity, albeit simply written, though her treatment of Scripture is hardly what I would call rigorous. (She uses the "just-as-if-I'd never sinned" to explain the doctrine of justification [shudder]. Such oversimplifications by a teacher always make me question whether the words are worth heeding at all.)

11. Persuasion by Jane Austen - By now, I am onto the pattern. There is a strong yet lovable heroine who has few negative qualities. She has a potential interest from and/or for another man who, to everyone seems quite the catch but, it is later revealed, is a scoundrel of the worst sort. And there is the other guy, the good guy, who ends up getting the girl.

Persuasion is a great story, but frustrating because we see so little interaction between the heroine and her eventual lover. So little. Worse - very little is told throughout the story of Captain Wentworth's feelings. Whatever is gleaned is through the eyes of Anne, who, hoping to regain his affections, can only be considered a biased judge of his intentions. At the end of the book, I was left scratching my head as to why he acted the way he did. He said he'd always loved her, but he didn't ACT like he loved her. I guess this is what makes it suspenseful... but that also makes it hard to believe. And maybe a little boring, too.

And, just like Pride and Prejudice, after the couple are united, the reader finally gets to be with them in private! And, just like Pride and Prejudice, the two of them spend several pages talking about who misunderstood what and how mortified they were at this or that, and yada, yada, yada. And all I was really thinking was "shut up and kiss each other!"

But that's me.

A good book, but I think I liked Pride and Prejudice better.

12. Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner - Oooh. This was a good one. Maureen recommended it to me, but for some reason I didn't think I'd like it.

I was wrong.

I love this book because it is about taking a deeper look into expert advice and conventional wisdom. I tend toward skepticism - I question people's conclusions and squint my eyes when people make causal links that don't always seem logical. This book was just the thing. Look deeper. What does the data say?

The authors made what I think is an important distinction between causality and correlation of data sets. And the definition of "conventional wisdom" was refreshing. From school test results to crime statistics to the outcome of Sumo tournaments, the authors looked at data and made some surprising discoveries.

So very interesting.

Probably the last thing I needed was what this book ended up doing - it made me a little more skeptical of what the "experts" say. Of course, what this book also did is remind me that maybe skepticism in that regard isn't such a bad thing after all.

13. Emma by, who else? Jane Austen.

Oh, by the way, we need to ALERT THE MEDIA... this book is a NEW. WORLD. RECORD. Not only have I read 13 books this year, but 5 of them are also FICTION... and not a single one was, ahem, a children's book either.

I think Emma is my favorite. I still can't decide if I think she is far too self-absorbed to deserve my liking her, but then I think "this is fiction so, it really DOESN'T MATTER." Still, I like her. And I think I like Mr. Knightley better than any of the other heroes of the other three I've read. He's sensible, polite, responsible, considerate, and he doesn't mince words. And, he can fall hard for a girl and isn't ashamed of it. So he is not as "hard" as Darcy; we get to see more of him than we do of Wentworth; and I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER enough about the guy in Sense and Sensibility to offer any comparison, so that should speak for itself.

So there, Emma is my favorite. The only thing that might make me change my mind would be finding out that I misinterpreted a bunch of that old English writing and the story isn't really what I think it is.

Which is totally possible.

I might actually finish another book this year.

(Pick yourself up off the floor.)


And now for the list of Books I started this year and WANT to finish, but didn't:
1. The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard - because, even though it is good reading, it's some kind of heavy. And heavy hurts my head.

2. The Hiding Place by Corey Ten Boom - because I know how it ends, and I have a hard time sleeping at night when I read real stuff like that. And I don't need any more stuff to make me feel all kinds of angst. I am good at angst all by myself.

3. What The Bible Says About Parenting by my main man, John MacArthur. This is the one I thought I might finish before the end of the year. Then there was a little change in my end-of-year plans when I realized that I had incorrectly knit (knitted?) 52 rows of a sleeve for a sweater that I NEED to get done before the baby I am making it for outgrows it. That was about four days worth of work down the toilet. But, hey, with the sentence structure of this very paragraph I have pretty much thrown all the rules of grammar and composition down the toilet too.

Just keeping with the theme, y'all.

Next up, we have the list of Books that I got for Christmas and will definitely be on my reading list for next year:

1. A Peculiar People by Rodney Clapp

2. How Should we Then Live? by Francis Schaeffer.

3. The Bible by God. I didn't really get it for Christmas, but I am getting ready to read it again. I'll let you know how it turns out.


And the list of Books that Have Been on my Reading List That I Really (I MEAN it) Want to Read This Year, Finally. Alleleuia, Amen.

1. The Tipping Point. And I don't remember who wrote that. Gladwell?

2. Hard to Believe. MacArthur.

3. Money, Sex and Power (AKA The Challenge of the Disciplined Life.) Richard Foster

4. And maybe I will finally get around to finishing In Search of Schrodinger's Cat. I really, really want to finish that one.

And finally, the Books I started this year and will not ever, even if you pay me, though I doubt you would, but even if you did, I wouldn't finish reading, ever:

1. The Good Earth by Pearl Buck - because I got half way through the book and realized that I absolutely did not care about what happened to the main character (I forget his name.) I didn't want to read any more about him or his life. I just didn't like him.

2. A Circle of Quiet by the lady whose name I can't remember. Madeline L'Engle, perhaps. It just didn't grab my attention.

3. Unexpected News. (Author - ???) Again, it just didn't grab me. I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to learn what it had to offer, but it just wasn't interesting.

Only three. Pretty good, eh?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

How many you think I can read in 2008?

87?

103?

Eating Better

Over the last two years or so, I have been trying to make some small changes in the food I prepare for my family. I don't think our eating was terrible, but it could be improved upon. So, I started instituting the following changes:

Less rice, pasta, potatoes. I can't even remember the last time I fixed potatoes! We do an occaisional lasagna. We hardly ever do pizza. If we do rice, I try to make it brown rice. When I need a "starchy" side, I like to make barley, often with some chopped up carrots in it. Very tasty. The idea here is to reduce simple carbs and replace with complex ones. (My weakness here is Lipton noodles. Usually they are too expensive, so I don't even consider it. But when there is a good sale, it's hard for me to pass them up!)

Eat more veggies that are high in nutrients and/or fiber. Corn and green beans are the big culprits here (no real vitamins or minerals, but also full if simple carbs.) We eat them sometimes b/c my husband isn't a big fan of many other veggies. But I have figured out a few ways to sneak some better stuff into our food. I chop up carrots (really small, in a food chopper) to mix into meatloaf. This week I actaully added chopped cabbage too. No one could tell the difference. When I make salad, I replace about half the lettuce with fresh spinach and red cabbage. The cabbage keeps the crunch and the spinach, which really doesn't taste like anything, has more nutrient value than lettuce. I try to sneak squash into dishes, if possible. And I make a lot of steamed carrots and broccoli.

Related to this, I'd like to eat one vegetarian meal each week. Since Paul is allergic to poultry, we don't eat that a lot either. That means a lot of beef and pork. It gets to be too much. But even in homes where chicken is a regular meal, I think this is a great idea. I have a super recipe for a lentil, barley, vegatable skillet that is really good... even my kids like it. Spaghetti squash comes to mind too.

Also, someone just told me that you can prepare cauliflower like mashed potatoes. I tried it and they are good! I know that boiling takes a lot of the "good stuff" out. Plus, I added salt and butter. BUT, if I had to make a choice between mashed cauliflower or mashed potatoes, I'd choose the cauliflower in a second. So far, Bug and Bao gobbled them up like they couldn't get enough. Boo said she didn't like them. I have yet to see what Paul says about it. (I have also heard of people preparing carrots like they do sweet potatoes, but when they told me they had to put the brown sugar and marshmallows on it, I filed the idea in my "recycle bin.")

Eat more fish. This was going well until we learned that Paul is allergic to salmon. I was doing fish, particularly salmon (high in omega-3s,) about once a week. But now that he is allergic, we haven't don't much fish at all. It's not the first kind of fish he's become allergic to, so he is becoming leary of eating any. It is something I'd like to figure my way around soon.

Cut back on processed foods. No mac and cheese or hamburger helper. Most of those kinds of things have so much fat and sodium and they just ain't any good for you! The big thing that I need to change in this respect is that I have too many recipes that call for some kind of cream soup. I need to cut back on those.

Better snacks. My kids eat plain yogurt like it is going out of style. They LIKE the flavored kind, but I don't buy it. (It isn't unusual for them to eat yogurt for breakfast and for a snack. They'd choose the flavored kind if it was here, and that is just too much sugar.) We don't drink much juice other than orange juice. We don't buy pop. I also try to keep soynuts and soy crisps on hand for them to munch on. They especially like soy crisps... kinda like rice cakes. Lot's of fruits and veggies around the house to pick from too.

Less sugar... this is where we really gotta clamp down. Paul and I are probably addicted. And both of us have parents who are diabetic. We are working on this one.

I have been drinking green tea a lot too. Lots of antioxidants, and tastier than plain water.

I really like the information available at World's Healthiest Foods (even though the foods are actually healthFUL, not healthY, but I digress.) They have a list of their top 100 WHfoods and they give all sorts of nutrition information about all the foods they tout. Great ideas and a bunch of recipes that I'd like to try.

Okay, so does anyone else have any tips for simple ways to make meals a little more healthful?

Addendum I presented the cauliflower to Paul and asked him if he'd try it. I called it a "mashed potato alternative." He ate some, then smiled, saying "did you sneak something in there?" I told him what it was and asked if he liked it. He said it was okay. So, more to the point, I asked him if he'd eat it if I made it for dinner. He said "I'd eat it." Translation: this is a RINGING endorsement of the mashed cauliflower!!!

Books I have started, but haven't finished... and why

This is certainly not a list of ALL the books I have started and not finished. Indeed, there would not be enough room to list all of those (and, for most of them the answer to "why?" would be "because it was boring.") No, this is merely the list of started-but-not-finished books currently sitting on my desk, most with their own curled up book mark!

Six Easy Pieces by Richard Feynman
(Have read about 45 of 138 pages)
Richard Feynman was a downright genius, and was hilariously funny. I recommend his book "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!" to anyone (maybe I will have to review that one some time.) But Six Easy Pieces is, as the back cover says, "an unparalleled introduction to the world of physics by one of the greatest teachers of all time." I found his explanation of electromagnetic phenomena both interesting and easy to understand. I don't know why I stopped reading this book, but I know why I started. I have taken three formal physics classes, and I found myself utterly confused in every single one. As a result, I still do not understand even the most fundamental concepts in physics, and I want to. So, I got this book. Very likely that I will finish it. Whether I will brave the sequel Six Not so Easy Pieces, remains to be seen.

Brining Up Boys by James Dobson
(Have read about 20 of 257 pages.)
Aye, aye, aye. It took everything I had to get through those 20 pages. After those 20, he still hadn't started saying anything. I didn't even find the letters from girls about why girls are better than boys (an vice versa) remotely interesting or even cute. As I read, I found that his writing style annoys me for the same reason that I don't like listening to him on the radio - he doesn't get to the point fast enough for me. Now, don't start sending me hate mail, dear Christian friends. I know there are plenty of people out there who think he can do/say no wrong. And, while I'm not one of them, I do think that Dr. Dobson is a wise man, and that a good deal of his advice is beneficial. That is why I WANT to read the book. But MAN, is he making it hard on me. I don't know if I will get through this one... I will keep you posted.

In Search of Schrodinger's Cat by John Gribbin
(Have read 105 of 275 pages.)
Okay, remember how I said that I was always confused in physics class? Well, this became a problem when I took physical chemistry my junior year (hands down, the most difficult class I have ever had.) Not understanding physics is a bit of a problem in a class like p-chem. The bad thing about this is that p-chem is where you cover some seriously interesting concepts like thermodynamics (I LOVE that stuff) and quantum mechanics. I started reading this book because it was supposed to be an explanation of quantum theory for the masses. I figured my pitiful knowledge of physics would require such a non-technical approach. And let me just say, this book is so completely and utterly interesting! Gribben gives great historical detail about the evolution of atomic theory, which I totally eat up. And the material about quantum theory is confounding and shocking and mind-bending. I love it! So, why didn't I finish it? Because it hurts my head! The material Gribben presents is cumulative in every way. So, I found that I was having to go back and re-read stuff just to get myself through the next paragraph. I guess I just didn't have enough time to read AND comprehend it all. Geez, oh PETE, this book is fascinating, though. One of these days I will get through it.

Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall
(Have read 43 of 384 pages.)
In all fairness, this book hasn't been around my house nearly as long as the others on this list. And I really WANT to read this book, in a have to sort of way. Folks in the adoption community (at least the ones who think that valuing my daughter's culture and heritage will mean more than just eating Chinese food) have highly recommended this book. Admittedly, some of my beefs about this book are dumb. But here they are. First, there are far too freiking many headings. (This is a problem because I tend not to read headings, I don't know why...but then I get confused, because suddenly the topic has changed...duh!) There will be a heading, followed by one short paragraph, and then another heading. On one set of facing pages, there are actually 5 headings! It drives me bonkers. Second, there are some things in there that aren't news to me, and I get annoyed having to read stuff I already know . Third, there are sections about things that I am not really concerned about, and don't feel like reading (like "Are organized hate groups a threat to our families?" Not that it would be such a big deal for me to read the ONE paragraph that follows that heading... but I digress.) Anyway, I think this is a really important issue for my family. Important enough that I certainly see myself picking up this book again. But, when I do, I think I'd like to use the headings to scan the book and read what interests me. Of course with headings like "Don't turn into a psychological dentist," this may be difficult. Oye.

Darwin's Black Box by Michael Behe
(Have read 81 of 292 pages)
I am going to make a serious statement that lots of people are going to think is stupid or ignorant or delusional, but not necessarily surprising to anyone who knows me. Here it is: I think that the scientific topic that has deluded more people than any other is the Theory of Evolution. Spare me your rants, everyone. And yes, I think a lot of scientists are deluded about it too. (I think it mirrors the way that physicists and chemists of the modern era were loathe to "change their minds" about atomic structure - despite evidence to support the quantum mechanical model of the atom - because their current understanding "worked" to explain experimental results. But, maybe this is a topic for another post.) I wanted to read this book because it gives the biochemical evidence/explanation of why evolution (of one species from another) is not possible. I also wanted to read some good scientific information from someone who isn't a creationist, but discounts evolution just the same. Behe makes his points early on, and does so very convincingly. I got "stuck" in his presentation of the examples that illustrate his point. They are, obvioulsy, biochemical explanations of the systems of different creatures which have been used by evolutionists to support their claims. But, I get his point, and the biology part is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring. (And, at this time, I must digress by saying that I can't stand it when people say things like "You'll like it. It's all about science." Well, not all science is the same, and handing someone like me a book about biology is like handing a journalist a book about writing haiku and saying "You'll love it. It's all about writing." AAAAAAAAARGH!) But ANYWAY, I am stuck. I might just skip over the examples and read the rest of the book. (And one of these days, I'd like to flesh out this parallel between the evolution of atomic theory and the evolution of "Evolutionary thought.")

And this concludes my little foray back into the blogging world. I don't know when I will be back. But I have had a few things "rattling around" lately, so maybe some time soon... if I feel like it.

Weight For Meeeee!

Okay. So I haven't posted since my last weight update. What can I say? I just haven't been in the bloggy state of mind, lately.

But it's time to do my weight post, so at least you will get to hear all the exciting weight-loss details you can handle.

And then some.

So, without further ado: the weight loss update.

I have been walking a lot. A little over 2.5 miles for six days this last week. For me that works out to about 45 minutes of walking each night. Briskly. Paul got me a pedometer for mothers day. When I walked last night I was very encouraged to find that my route was over 5300 steps. WOW.

Part of why I have been so willing to walk is because it has been some sweet time alone with God. I posted previously about how God is revealing to me that I need to pursue holiness in several areas of my life. My eating habits is one of those. The walking has been some great time to, among other things, ask God to help me make choices that please him as well as plan out how I will handle situations in the following week.

Primarily, this planning has to do with desserts. Sad, but true. Last night, I looked to the week ahead and I realized that I will have two dessert opportunities. I have already decided which one I think will be more appealing, and exactly how much I will be eating when that time comes. The only thing I don't like about this particular opportunity is that coffee will not be available. So, if it really doesn't interest me when the time comes, I will forego dessert altoghether and hold off for something better.

Dessert-eating went pretty well this past week. I actually started passing them up before my last post. I think I went a whole week without one! I even went to a big, overdone, gala event (not kidding) in which the desserts were on the table from the moment we sat down and all through dinner. They were all fancy and whatnot. But you know what? I took ever the tiniest taste of mine and decided it wasn't even close to good enough for my one dessert this week. (Maybe God was looking out for me - the fact that they didn't contain any chocolate made them so much easier to pass up.)

I messed up on Friday, however, and ate two roasted marshmallows with the family after dinner... I HATE marshmallows, but Paul got them toasted to this perfect shade of light brown and I was tempted. Stupid. The whole time I was eating them I thought You hate marshmallows, stop eating them. But I did eat two. Then we went out for ice cream. (We are real healthy folk around here.) I got a single scoop. I ate it slowly and even ordered the coffee to go with it. It really does make dessert so much more enjoyable for me.

And I had three small pieces of dessert at the Chinese buffet on mothers day. So, I ate too much dessert this week, but not nearly as much as I would have in the past. I think I can do better this coming week and keep it to only one.

As for the other stuff, I am doing well with eating only when I am hungry, and keeping portions small enough that I am not eating past full. When I am hungry, and it isn't meal time, I have put small portions into a bowl rather than eating from the package. I make sure I take several bites out of my fruit chips when I eat them, instead of putting the whole chip in my mouth. What I DO need to start doing is drinking water when I feel hungry for a snack. I can eat later if I still feel hungry, but the extra water may help curb the hunger until the next meal.

And now, for the fun part. My weight.

First, I messed up. I should have weighed in on Tuesday morning. That was my plan but I forgot. I was probably holding a grudge against our brand new scale. The old scale kept telling me I was right at 150 pounds. Granted, it was a hard to read dial type of scale, but it sure looked like 150 pounds to me.

(At this point, if you are thinking, WOW Lori weighs 150 pounds, then in the interest of full disclosure, I should also tell you that I am also 5' 1".)

That was a joke. (I'm not that tall.)

Anyway, on Monday night, I stepped on the scale. It was completely out of curiosity - just wanted to see how the new scale worked. I waited for the little digital numbers to finish their flashing, then looked at the scale and promptly told it to "shut up."

152.5 lbs

Thank you. Thank you very much.

So that's where I was on Tuesday when I conveniently forgot to weigh myself in. When Wednesday morning rolled around, I had already eaten breakfast when I realized I needed to weigh myself. So I step on the scale. 149.0

Now, I know people say that you need to weigh yourself in the morning, but for real? That much difference?

All this to say (and yes, there was a reason I was telling you this) that I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT MY STARTING WEIGHT IS. That makes the calculation of pounds lost a little difficult. I could take the average of my two "weigh ins" and say that my starting weight is 150.5, but somehow that just doesn't feel right.

So, I weighed myself this morning. (I've decided to do weigh-ins on Monday mornings.) I did it before breakfast. 148.5

I don't know if I have actually lost weight this week, but there you have it. I am going to use 148.5 as my "starting weight."

And now you can all breathe a big sigh of relief because this post is finally over. I promise not to be so verbose next time.

Click here for the link to the current post for the "May Day Weight Loss Challenge."

Today I feel thankful, and happy.

I am thankful that most of my Christmas shopping is done. I am thankful that I will get some time BY MYSELF to work on the rest of the shopping tonight… and that the time comes on a week night, when stores won’t be so crowded! I am thankful that, in the cabinets/refrigerator, I have about 6 really obvious options for dinners. (I am usually doing well to have one!) But, today is definite pea soup weather, so I think that is what I will make. And, I am thankful for “soup days:” cold outside, but warm inside.

I am also thankful for the handmade Christmas decorations that the kids seem to be making at every turn. For whatever reason, we haven't gotten much of it in years past. But already, Mr. Bug and Ms. Boo have made about 10 items. One is a wreath made of about 20 cut-outs of Bug's hands. Another is a foam wreath with a GOOD picture of Boo in the middle. I just love the stuff they make... glued sloppy and cut crooked. I am writing dates on the back of all of them so I can look at them when I am 80 and remember my babies! I have been waiting for this stuff! Now that I have them, I have proudly displayed them all over the house.

I wrapped the kids’ presents last night. It was fun just to think of them opening them. I can’t wait! I think that got me in the Christmas spirit, because now I am getting the urge to bake all sorts of cookies that I don’t even have a reason to bake. I really enjoy baking when I can do it uninterrupted. That means early-morning or late-night. Hmmm, which do you think I will choose?

I was really hoping to get a quilt done for a Christmas present. I don’t think that is going to happen, but even the thought of sitting at my machine gets me excited. I just don’t think I am happier than when I am making something.

I am also going completely looney trying to find Chinese ornaments and gifts for Ms. Bao. The tradition in our house is to celebrate our babies’ first Christmases. For Boo and Bug, that meant celebrating when I was still pregnant with them. For Bao it means remembering her with a few gifts and wishing she was already with us to open them herself. I don’t want to get her all Chinese stuff, and I think Boo will want to pick out a toy for her. But, I am finding it hard to decide what Chinese things I will get, because I like so much of it.

I am also strangely excited about the future. I get this way sometimes. I like developing new skills and thinking about how they might be used in the future. Sometimes I just think, “I could do anything!” Then I wonder about what it would be.

In light of this, I did something that my sister did a few months ago. I sent an email to people that know me well, asking them to tell me what they think I am or would be good at. Some of the responses are interesting. And, although I don’t necessarily WANT to do some of those things, it is an eye-opener. It makes me think of my wedding dress…

I didn’t like my wedding dress. I bought it in a rush (long story, there) and it was fine, but it wasn’t “me.” For a long time after my wedding, I would hate going to weddings simply because I didn’t want to see a dress that I liked better than my own. (Extremely lame, I know.) But it occurred to me somewhere along the way that I probably never would have even tried on a lot of the dresses that I liked. (It seems odd, I know, but it is true.) I had it in my mind what I wanted, and I guess I ended up with tunnel vision, so to speak. Perhaps if I had asked someone to pick out a dress or two for me to try on, maybe I would have been pleasantly surprised with how I looked in what they picked.

Anyway, the wedding dress was a lesson that I am trying to apply in some other ways. Hence, the e-mail. I may not end up liking the ideas that people suggest. But, it sure is fun trying them on and looking at myself in a different light for a little while. And, who knows, I might end up liking one of their suggestions. Maybe this time I’ll end up buying the perfect dress!

Are you getting tired of my rambling?

Me too.

Sigh......

Last night I chatted with a girl from church named Kailee. Kailee was adopted from China when she was a baby, about 9 years ago. She is a sweet girl. She was just standing there and I found that I was staring at her. (Not the first time I have caught myself doing that...) I don't want to stare, but I don't think I realize I am doing it... until she looks back at me! I smiled at her and mentioned that I thought her outfit was cute. "I got it in Tennessee," was her reply.

I don't know why that struck me, but it did. This child was born half way around the world, yet she spoke of being in Tennessee like it was just the most natural thing. It is, I suppose. But I can't help think about where she started out in life, and where she is now. Two very different places, very far apart.

It made me think of her birth parents. They are still in China, presumably, and have no idea that Kailee loves horses and enjoys trips to Tennessee and is a sweet, beautiful girl.

I've mentioned it before, but I can't get over how hard it must be for the parents of these Chinese babies who are abandoned. Plenty of people will say that these parents (or the Chinese in general) are cold and uncaring because they "give up" so many babies. I just don't think people who say that really understand the political and social situation in China. I don't want to sugar-coat anything: there are folks in China who go as far as killing their daughters, I know that. But I cannot even imagine what it would be like to live in poverty, as many do in rural China, and never have a son in a society where a son is one's only hope of future stability. I can't imagine living in that poverty and having to make the choice between paying a life-breaking fine and keeping the child. It isn't an easy decision to make. And giving up a baby in the hopes that she won't also live in poverty must be difficult. No, not difficult. Heartbreaking.

So, in the back of my mind I wonder now where Ms. Bao's parents are. They probably abandoned her pretty recently, and I wonder how they are handling it. Of course, if Bao is in an orphanage right now, it is likely because her parents left her in a place where she could be found... because they wanted her to be cared for. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at her without my mind drifting back to the sacrifice that her parents made. I'll get the joy. Her birthparents will just be left to wonder.

I hear the comments now... "she will have a 'better' life here." "You are doing a great thing." Maybe. I *do* think that kids need parents. But we do not have a rescue mentality about this adoption. Is it such a great thing? It's selfishness. We just want another baby. (As a side note, I think all decisions to become a parent are selfish. Yet no one ever asks someone why they decided to get pregnant. People decide to get pregnant and people decide to adopt for the same reasons, because they want to have a child.)

Then there is *the question.* I never know how to take it. "Why China?" I know most people are just curious, so I assume that whenever they ask. But I get the feeling that some people have it in their mind where it's "right" to adopt from, and who it's "right" to adopt - and we, apparently, have not chosen the right thing. Of course, I think this is a load of crap. (There's just no better word than that.) I never know what people's criteria are for deciding this stuff, but I find it humorous that most of the people who have developed such criteria, haven't actually adopted anyone. They just like to live in their own hypothetical world where they can say "if *I* adopted, it would be..." and then be disgusted with us because we didn't choose the same thing.

So, I have to bite my tongue when I hear "why China?" We really believe that God just gave us a heart for that. So, what it comes down to is, WE WANT TO - that's why. We considered other options. We weighed a lot of factors. Even after our initial decision, I almost backed out of the China thing all together because I know it will be difficult for Bao to grow up in a white family. But we ended up with a peace about China and not the other options. We have "reasons," but, other than Bao, to whom do I owe an explanation? Why are people dissatisfied with the answer "because we want to?" Do people really think it would be better for us to adopt "their way" even if we weren't comfortable with it? (Now that would be a great legacy to leave our child... we didn't really want to adopt you, but so-and so thought we should, and so we did...)

I don't even feel angry about it. It's just stuff I think about. And stuff that I have to figure out how to respond to graciously - unlike this post. Learning... still learning.

Sad, but I need reminders

Last night I was up thinking about some things. Mostly the kids. What they see in my (and Paul's) life that is worth emulating. What we do that positively and negatively affects them, their growth, their understanding of God, etc.

I think, for reasons I can't yet explain, that I need to be better at being "present" when I am with my kids. I need to spend time with them even when it isn't time for them. Does that make sense? Like, I know I need to spend time playing with them and with each of them individually, but that isn't what I am talking about. I'm talking about sitting at the table with them when they are eating lunch... something I don't normally do. I need to be tuned into their questions and not have to shake myself out of my thoughts every time they ask for something (only to hear me say "what did you say?") I need to have conversation with them that doesn't involve me correcting something they are doing or speaking with a tone that makes me sound like I am constantly exasperated with them.

And part of that will mean getting over my exasperation. They want to be part of my life and part of what I am doing. But my first response to that is to be annoyed at their intrusion. Really, I should welcome them to spend time doing "my" stuff with me instead of viewing it as an intrusion. Goodness knows who they will turn to in a few more years if their mom doesn't start stepping it up in this way.

But part of this will also mean training myself to see the positives... something I am not very good at.

I have been asking God to show me which stuff really matters. I am seeing changes in my demeanor. But I still make mistakes. For example, it didn't matter that Ms. Boo was "wasting" glue this morning. She was playing. It's glue. I don't need to jump her case about it... especially since she was having fun by herself, even though she asked me if I would work on the craft WITH her.

Anyway. I don't know where this is all going. What I do know is that I am SOOO critical of my children. I have had to WORK at speaking to them like normal people, without a "tone," if you know what I mean. So, now, realizing that these things to not come to me naturally, I have also decided that I need to try to give each of them specific praise each day. Three times.

And, since I cannot be trusted to just let this happen when the mood strikes me, I have created a chart. It has all three of their names on it and three boxes under each name. I will display this chart prominently, so that I will actually remember to praise them. And then I will check off the boxes to make sure I get in three a day.

I have also hung a reminder over the sink to "Praise, Praise, Praise" and another one that says "Be present" and "involve them."

So sad that I need to do this. But I do. I hope that after a while of this, it will begin to come to me more easily, and I won't need to be reminded as much... I will just begin to see that my children have qualities that are worth praising.

These are a Few of my Favorite Things

Random stuff I'm diggin'. Why not share the love?

Shutterfly. I used them this year for our annual Christmas-yeah-right-more-like-Valentine's-Day photo card. I really liked their options for cards... not the same old, same old. They have some very cool collage cards that I think would be a fantastic way for families to showcase individual children. They offer lots of font options on the cards, and the text is REALLY customizable (meaning, you are not limited to simply writing "Merry Christmas from the Smith Family.") Shutterfly made it easy to create the card and edit the photo just the way I wanted it. I also thought the prices were reasonable. Check out Shutterfly for other stuff as well, like photo gifts, prints, and albums.

My teaching philosophy: "Learn to read. Read to learn." Knowing this, it will not surprise you to learn that I dig kid lit that helps kids learn basic skills. The Math Start books are really cute and teach all manner of math concepts without it feeling like a math book. Ranging from simple counting to time-telling, there is probably a Math Start book suitable for your child.

We have been playing a matching game around here ever since Christmas that is just like Memory, only better! I Never Forget a Face* is a matching game produced by eeboo. The game consists of 24 pairs of sturdy "cards," each with a picture of a girl or boy from around the world. We play this game all the time here with everyone turning over different cards and declaring "Afghanistan, Viet Nam," or some such combination. It is a first step for helping our children develop respect for other cultures. (We're into that around here...) (*That link is to a site that sells eeboo products because I can't get the eeboo homepage to load properly.)

Club Mom. I stumbled upon this a month or two ago. This site has LOTS of stuff for moms... anything mom-related is there... though that wasn't the real draw for me. What intrigued me was the vast array of online merchants offering points for products and gift cards purchased through Club Mom. Points can be redeemed for products in their rewards catalog (some nice stuff in there) or for gift cards. I imagine there are tons of sites just like this out there, but it's all new to me. Club Mom is affiliated with some merchants that I do use online, so it seemed like a no-brainer to start collecting some points by making my purchases through them. (I already have my eye on a Bed Bath and Beyond gift card for when I redocorate my living room.)

This is enough to make even someone like me want to buy jewelry. I love it. Absolutely love it. I knew you would too!

I have been using this can opener for a few months now and I can't say enough good stuff about it. It works SOOO well, and after my last can opener, which I had to fight with every time I put it to use, this is such a welcome change. The Orbi can opener doesn't leave sharp edges on cans, doesn't cause the contents of the can to ooze out, and it is smooth and easy to use. If you need a new can opener, get this one. It may cost a little more than the old fashioned kind, but it's worth it. (And I got mine for only $10, so look around for a good price.)

New American Dream is a site I found a while ago when I was searching the internet for ideas about how we could be more responsible with our spending and our consumption of energy and material goods. This site turned out to offer a whole lot more than I was looking for. It offers a lot of basic information and links for more specifics. Topics include Clean Energy, Simplifying Holidays, Reducing Junk Mail, Socially Responsible Investing, and many others. I found the information about Fair Trade (with links to all sorts of fair trade merchants) and Kids and Commercialism particularly interesting. Go check it out!

This is a picture of Ms. Boo's reading chain. She isn't so into reading, so she needed a little motivation. I knew anything that appealed to her crafty side would be met with her approval. So, each time she reads a book by herself to me or Paul, she gets a new link on the chain. I keep a supply of books I know she can read in a container in the family room. They already have the construction paper taped to them with the title and author written on them. I also keep a stash of plain construction paper pieces handy, so if she wants to read we can put up a new link quickly. She hasn't really read a lot. Like I said, it isn't her favorite thing (hmmm, where did she get that trait?) but I think the chain has motivated her to read more than she would have otherwise. She wants to get the chain to stretch across the family room and into the living room. Hey, at least she has dreams.

True Lime. Love it. I have been trying to drink more water lately, but I don't really like plain water. My neice introduced me to something she found while she was away at college called True Lime. It is crystallized lime juice. I buy it in the little packets to add to my water, though it comes in other packages and has lots of other uses. No calories. No fat. No carbs. No sweeteners. 25% of vitamin C. And, it's yummy! They have a healthy living challenge, which closely resembles what I have been attempting since January. They even offer free samples to leaders of weight loss and other health maintainence groups. How cool is that?

Oh, and this blog. You do NOT want to miss it!

Hope you find something that is useful for you.